ira: Random Thoughts

tunia

I have learnt that you learn most by being silent and just observing things around you. Rebelling is not really a solution especially when you know that not anything you say would bring even a miniscule of a change. Artificial submission, though a sign of pandering I have realized is an easy way out. I would not advise you to resort to it. Nevertheless, I do that.

I am not headstrong, in the sense that I do not expect others to yield to my beliefs. At the same time, I do not change mine just because I did not fit well into a situation. I have realized that I am a difficult person, which is quite apparent from the very few people I talk to. In addition, I simply recede back into my shell the moment I go into the verge of becoming intolerable. Reason: I do not have the strength to argue plus I do not want to become intolerable to the few people that I speak with. In the real sense, I have become a recluse but not so much for those who look from the outside.

I have realized that because of all this I am not myself most of the times while interacting even with those whom I am supposedly much attached with.
Very insignificant things can trigger a stream of memories. Nothing too obvious, any arbitrary thought, incedent, an object, a song, or a person. It does not necessarily have to make you sad. It can at the same time be much unexpected.

I have learnt not to count on anything/anyone. The few times that I did count on someone, I was disappointed. I shamelessly even let the person know, how I was disappointed! Of course to my disadvantage. It’s OK to disappoint someone, but its rude to be told how disappointing you are!

I have started living in a one-man world. I realize I have used phrases like "thank you" , "I am sorry" , "please" on more than a single occasion, not only with my boyfriend but also with my parents! I find that very awkward because I do not expect a loved one's conversation with me to be aided with such linguistic formal tools. I am not so sure I meant them (the phrases) each time. I have to (use them), so I would not be rude or hurt them.
I find the most unadulterated bliss in my solitude. I admit, it is not easy for me to be on my own. To keep things in my heart, I feel burdened. When I do not get answers to the questions beleaguering my mind, I get restless. I feel afraid to reveal my thoughts on such occasions, since that would make me intolerable. When it gets out of control, I just have to talk it out. I have been asked to "SHUT UP" on such an occasion. I shall try and take myself to unearthed limits from now on before I take to outside help *outside=not me*.
I do not smile as much as I used to. The most genuine smiles are revealed when I am alone!

MAGNITUDE OF LONELINESS SHOULD NOT BE CALCULATED BY THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THERE TO SHARE YOUR HAPPINESS BUT BY THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THERE TO SHARE THE BURDEN OF YOUR SORROWS.

PS: I do not blame anybody for who I am and what I have become. If anything, I am thankful. I just did not see it coming, because of which it is secretly not welcome.

caboodle mix :: lonely, musing

11 Responses

tunia Says:

May 3, 2007 at 11:04 AM
This comment has been removed by the author.

tunia Says:

May 5, 2007 at 6:50 AM
This comment has been removed by the author.

Sandi Says:

May 14, 2007 at 4:20 PM

I've had times in my life that I felt "I" was all I had. So I kept a journal and it saved me many times. Such a safe place to pour out all my emotions, anger, frustration, fears - and it was just on my computer so no one saw it. Gave me total freedom and often helped me clear my mind. You sound remarkably intelligent. Best of luck.

DIRECTORY