Its weird how you want him most when he just can not stand you.
You just make it worse by seeking him even more.
You just make it worse by seeking him even more.
Irony!
10 years ago
Showing posts with label musing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musing. Show all posts
unknown> Why do masters?
me> To complete all that was unfinished from my Bachelors!
unknown> Oh! You seem to be pretty keen on mastering your subjects!
me> Uh!? Oh! Yeah, that too!
unknown> Then, what else?!
me> I meant, all my unfinished knowledge about people and types of people, different natures, unbelievable behaviors! How weird weird can actually get and how phenomenal some people are! How to correctly judge a person! How to adjust amongst the strangest of situations! How to remain patient irrespective of anything going on around you. Not to let anyone perturb you. If someone has issues with life, its his/her problem not mine!
unknown> But then, masters in Computer Networks? Maybe Sociology or something?
me> Oh! That is the only part which makes me realize how normal life still is!
unknown> Why masters?
me> To learn to live for myself.
unknown> Makes sense.
me> Does it?
unknown> No!
me> Does to me!
me> To complete all that was unfinished from my Bachelors!
unknown> Oh! You seem to be pretty keen on mastering your subjects!
me> Uh!? Oh! Yeah, that too!
unknown> Then, what else?!
me> I meant, all my unfinished knowledge about people and types of people, different natures, unbelievable behaviors! How weird weird can actually get and how phenomenal some people are! How to correctly judge a person! How to adjust amongst the strangest of situations! How to remain patient irrespective of anything going on around you. Not to let anyone perturb you. If someone has issues with life, its his/her problem not mine!
unknown> But then, masters in Computer Networks? Maybe Sociology or something?
me> Oh! That is the only part which makes me realize how normal life still is!
unknown> Why masters?
me> To learn to live for myself.
unknown> Makes sense.
me> Does it?
unknown> No!
me> Does to me!
I learnt not to put out someone's number on a for-sale site (even if it is a university site!) without asking. Whether I might have taken permission to put it out on my Job CV a week back. Else, I might blow up a decent relationship with my to-be-room mates!
I also learnt not to put good news on my blog until it gets finalized till the last stitch!
Well, Anant's not coming to US with me this year. He got his admit deferred for next fall. Which is a good decision but all the same quite hard to accept. I shouldn't be cribbing about this here cause I know it must be harder for him. But I was simply devastated. For several reasons. Primarily cause I felt he'd worked really hard for this for over two years and he deserved to go more than anyone else I knew. I was angry at the decision he had to take pertaining to the circumstances.
It was weird how it took him to council me about him not going! I felt quite ashamed of myself but as I think about it, I felt that way cause I consider his case as my own.
Now, I get fits of nervousness thinking about being all alone in a strange country without him for a whole year! I guess god needs to make sure before letting us be together!
I've started buying stuff for my new home (although I'm not sure whether I'll be shifting in with the same two people!). A bit scared about the whole thing. I hope I do well. Cause I can not do with simply doing OK. I have to do well. So, hope I'm good enough for it!
I also learnt not to put good news on my blog until it gets finalized till the last stitch!
Well, Anant's not coming to US with me this year. He got his admit deferred for next fall. Which is a good decision but all the same quite hard to accept. I shouldn't be cribbing about this here cause I know it must be harder for him. But I was simply devastated. For several reasons. Primarily cause I felt he'd worked really hard for this for over two years and he deserved to go more than anyone else I knew. I was angry at the decision he had to take pertaining to the circumstances.
It was weird how it took him to council me about him not going! I felt quite ashamed of myself but as I think about it, I felt that way cause I consider his case as my own.
Now, I get fits of nervousness thinking about being all alone in a strange country without him for a whole year! I guess god needs to make sure before letting us be together!
I've started buying stuff for my new home (although I'm not sure whether I'll be shifting in with the same two people!). A bit scared about the whole thing. I hope I do well. Cause I can not do with simply doing OK. I have to do well. So, hope I'm good enough for it!
Updates: Anant got through University of California at Irvine and he plans to go there(most probably) :D Man, this feels like heaven! Looks like someone out there either wants us to fight our heads off or he really wants us to finally be close to each other after 5years of being in a long distance relationship!! His place is 47miles from mine! :D Cant stop smiling!Can't stop day dreaming either!!
Have finalized on an apartment with two other girls. I dint plan this but they are both keralites!! (they belong to a state in India, Kerela. I belong to the same place, although not completely. My mum's a Rajasthani!). Its so strange how these co-incidences happen with me! My best friend in Junior High was a mallu(slang for keralites),Freya! My best friend in high school was a mallu, Aparna! My best friend in college is a Mallu, Sunaina! and now these two, Asilia and Anee!!
One thing in common amongst all these people are that they're very unlike typical orthodox Mallu's and are the very opposite of what you'd normally expect them to be! Which is what I'm like..So, gels well! :)
God loves playing games with my life! I keep trying to tell him, I've known enough of creeps for a life time. He always seems to differ. Each time I find him over enthusiastic about letting a particularly nasty one on me!
Sigh! Maybe I really DO have a lot to learn.
Tune> I want to break free - Queen
Since April last year my hair have grown from a silly bob that lingered around my ear lobes to a silky long stream of brownish black curls brushing the upper edge of my waste line! This is the fastest they've ever grown and I love all the compliments I get when I let them lose! Every time they brush against my arm, they give me a high! :)My days have turned into a restless turmoil as I keep fearing the worst regarding my university applications. I have re-re-read all the documents I'd sent in hope of finding explanations for this delay in admits. All in vain, for everything seems to be right in place. The voice of the pessimist in me growing louder and stronger with each passing day, each taxing hour. So far, I have received one rejection and six more results are awaited. As I desperately refresh my mailbox every night every few minutes in hope of some progress,
A few months back I got an ugly scar on the back of my hand while I was baking Chicken Tikkas(slurp!). I learnt not to insert my hand into the oven(a conventional grilled one) without wearing oven gloves. The mark is still quite prominent and looked ugly to me until a friend assured that it looked pretty cause the image of it was linked to me in his mind! On another crazy evening an old friend proposed to marry me and promised to fly down to Delhi in the very next flight to steal me away from all my worries, if I said YES. I admit a selfish part in me felt good about the whole deal of being loved by someone so much although I could not accept.
Its weird how little baubles like a book, a tune, a fragrance can unbolt a plethora of thoughts in one's mind that he dint even know existed in him. Maybe our minds have secret compartments, the key to which is held within us to find! I took a local on my way back home last Saturday when a tune from someone's cell phone caught my attention and did just that to me! It took me 8 years back to a teenage love and a wonderful evening we'd spent in a secluded place full of rocks and trees on the outer skirts of the city. I could recollect what both of us were wearing and even snippets from our conversation that evening! The silly plastic card he'd given me and the rose with withered petals he'd somehow managed to save until sunset :) First thing I did on reaching home was to retrieve the song and listen to it fifteen times until the evening was alive in me once again. Although it was a lifetime ago and we're far from feeling that way for each other anymore, the memories brought a warmth in my heart that had gone missing for a while now.
*I could not write one big post so compiled the little ones nagging in my head in these paragraphs.
I am now officially a worthless-internet-whiler. I compulsively log into the net everyday at around 8pm start off with checking my mail, orkut, blog, other mail, Anant's mail(he's out of town) and then, well, I re-check my mail! God-forbid I might have missed a mail that got transferred to the spam! I then try and do something worthwhile by reading interesting articles on the net. I have realized that I am very-bad at finding interesting stuff to read and unless someone directs me towards something eye-catching, I am well, still whiling away time!
I could easily blame it on many things!
1) I am anxiously waiting for universities to reply to my applications. They have been with them for over a month for Christ's sake.
2) I have too much free time on my hands! too much I say. Apart from having a four-day-week(three out of which are three-hour-days!), I have not yet started my project which should occupy most of my time once I do.
Each free-day, I decide to pay a visit to the nearby orphanage so I can talk to the authorities about giving free tuitions to the children, I end up not going. I just don't understand it, its definitely not cause I'm lazy.NO. I got up early, got dressed and even readied my CV just in case they might want to see. I am just apprehensive cause once I go there, I'd be responsible for the education of children who do not deserve to be taken for granted any more. I am afraid I might disappoint them once my project starts. Yet, I cant seem to rest. I really want to meet them, spend time with them and teach them. Well, having said that, I have decided that I shall go there at 10am come-what-may.
So where was I? Yes, I've been wasting away too much time doing nothing on the internet. Like I already said, I am bad at finding quality stuff to read (I have actually googled "current affairs" , "whats new" & "consumer electronics"!), I asked a friend for interesting links. She directed me to a very unconventional photo-blog. I have never been more gripped by someones posts as this and read three years of her hard work glued to the PC in two straight hours! Only once before have I done this with a blog which (I shall resort to Sandi's jargon) belonged to SHE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED (at least not on my blog!). I found Kay's work phenomenal! I'm pasting the comment I left on her blog after reading over 250 posts and being totally over whelmed by them!
Hi!
I was whiling away my time viewing worthless sites when at the brim of boredom, a friend gave me the link to your blog.I have spent the past two hours reading each and every post in your blog and was tempted to comment at many junctures but the anxiety of reading the next post over-powered the temptation.I have never seen a better photo blog and loved your concept of three photographs, also I love the analogies you give them. They were hilarious at times and on others were very thought provoking. I have never met a more passionate Pakistani or such a positive person as you. Not one post culminated negatively. I loved the way you've talked about your lovely family!
Cheers!
May this blog go on for ever!
PS:may I put you on my blog roll?
I'd never travelled alone in the train before, so I did not know the details we should confirm before boarding it. I screwed up at every possible juncture. I didn't check the train time right and reached four hours early! My e-ticket did not have my driving-licence number on it! Well, after boarding the train thankfully nothing went wrong. I just had to wait for Anant to join me 10hours later.
So, Happy New Year !Finally and about time too. Time felt like it was in no hurry to pass by. It just lingered. Was it that? Or was it the fact that I and Anant were surrounded by a whole lot of Kerelites who spoke away frantically in Malayalam. Even I could barely understand only bits of their conversations! At one point someone said "Janakpuri" and he was really thrilled for he knew of that place! But, that's that. He had no choice but to look at me, talk to me.
So, Happy New Year !Finally and about time too. Time felt like it was in no hurry to pass by. It just lingered. Was it that? Or was it the fact that I and Anant were surrounded by a whole lot of Kerelites who spoke away frantically in Malayalam. Even I could barely understand only bits of their conversations! At one point someone said "Janakpuri" and he was really thrilled for he knew of that place! But, that's that. He had no choice but to look at me, talk to me.
Delhi to Kerela is a two day journey by train. We ate all the local food from the stations, played cards, listened to music and well basically spent each moment together. We even slept together on the 6feet by 2.5feet beds of the train! Cramped, uncomfortable at times, but pure bliss! I am a stickler when it comes to linen. I meticulously match all four corners of the two layers of sheet and the blanket that we used for covering ourselves. I also take a lot of time to get settled while going to sleep, change sides, tuck into the blankets better, pull up a bit, no push down, twist and then finally settle down. It was wonderful to see Anant patiently tucked in while he waited for me to get settled, he even took the whole aligning-sheets-business in good humor. He loved me through all of it!
Whats with romance and moonlight, or romance and the night? We would talk deep into the night sharing the ipod, dedicating songs to each other, looking at the moon cuddled in in each others arms! It was all so unreal! Felt like a dream :) We would end it by graciously thanking god for everything.
Mornings used to be the tough part, the humor of seeing Anant ambivalent about whether he should sleep or spend time with me! cause I usually wake up by 7am while he cant seem to budge before 11! I even enjoyed watching him sleep! He has a funny habit of twitching his feet while sleeping! :) Breakfast would be early lunch for me while Anant would usually hog during lunch-time as well! I love watching him eat, he gets 'very' hungry very rarely and when he does, he really enjoys his meals.
I wanted him to taste every possible South Indian dish during our trip and he was all game for it. He loved it all idli, dosa, vada, eyttakya-uppam, nadan(authentic)chicken curry, chicken fry, parotta, uppam, sadya(the feast lunch on banana leaves), iddi-uppam everything!
We reached Ernakulam and went to Aparna's place. Did I mention that the purpose of our visit was her sister's wedding? Well, we freshened up and again left to explore this new city neither of us had been to before, where people spoke an alien language that I could understand only bits of and well, Anant shouldn't even try to understand!! My idea of exploring a new city is to cover it by foot or by the local transport. So, we set off by foot and reached a monastery-cum-school-cum-college-cum-hospital! What pulled me towards it was the sea-lining along the back of it. It looked beautiful! I realised how much I missed coming down-south every summer to meet my grandparents. (They have shifted to Delhi with us) I showed Anant a host of touch-me-nots along the shore. He was elated to make them fold inwards and droop by just touching them. Oh! well, at least some essence of nature to our trip!I missed my grandfather a lot all through it. He used to take us for walks in the morning across farms and forests and shallow rivers. I know the real Kerela and all little details about rubber farms, mangroves, cocoa&coffee farming, pine apples, rice etc..because of him. I wished Anant to experience as much of it as possible. Ernakulam is a city so I could only tell him about all that I'd seen in my childhood but its altogether different when you experience it yourself. The touch-me-not incident was little reassurance!
Now, Aparna's home was at a place called 'Thevara'. Anant memorised 'the' while I memorised 'vara' part of the name. Trust me, its pronunciation is very different from its spelling. After another few minutes of aimless wandering and Anant having lost his patience in the heat we stopped at a book store to buy tourist maps of the city. Why in gods name are maps so big? We struggled with it for a while, went through the guide at least twice, came down to no conclusions and ended up calling my sister (who lives in the same city) for advice on where to go! We went down town to meet her at 'Pallari Vattam' (I mention the name of the place for it took ages for both of us to memorize it.) in the local bus, although Anant was not too happy about it(travelling in bus), I loved the whole experience! We hogged like crazy, (uppam, parotta, chicken masala, chicken fry, coconut chicken, coffee, chocolate shake!) most of it was really good. The little time we spent with Uttu was nice too. I miss her a lot.
We rushed back to Aparna's place as we had to go out for dinner with the bride's family. Nothing too eventful, we ate good food, took lots of photographs. On our way back Aparna scared Anant by telling him that he would have to wear the traditional Mundu at the wedding! (its a long cloth that men wrap around there mid riff instead of pants!) Since he was the only guy there, he was the first one to be woken up at 5:30 in the morning to get dressed(hah! :) ) that too by Aparna's dad (who is quite infamous for his waking-up-children tactics). He dint mind so much when he got to know that Aparna was just kidding about the Mundu part!South Indian weddings are held after rahu-kalam, 9am (inauspicious time before which one must leave home for the occasion). We were the first ones to reach the venue because the bride's parents host the wedding. We loitered around and chatted while the guests gathered. The wedding ceremony was merely seven minutes (the time before and after it was much more). I spent most of my time taking photographs while Anant sat in his seat, refusing to budge taking mundane photographs from three fixed angles(how many more can you get when you're sitting in one position?)
The ceremony was followed by a rich traditional feast on banana leaves. I was happy Anant could try such authentic food and enjoyed it thoroughly myself. We took leave from Aparna and her parents and set off to find a decent hotel where we could leave our luggage. Luckily we found a decent place only a few miles from where we were. We changed and set off for the Marine Drive. One must wonder why it was called the Marine Drive cause there was no place to drive past. It was basically sea shore flanked by malls with a path along the shore that one could walk. There were loads of boat-cum-restaurants, since both of us were full till the extent that I could have easily puked. We decided on a pleasant cafe to sit and enjoy the view while sipping at lemonade.
After an hour or so, we went to the Kochi Boat Club to take a ferry till Fort Kochi. We bought tickets for a surprising Rs.2.50 each! The price seemed unbelievable. I had gone to Mumbai in October where a similar ferry ride cost 150bucks! This was way cheaper cause it was a daily means of transport for the localites who climbed in scores along with their bicycles, goods (for selling) etc. The ride till Fort-Kochi was Elysian, I love water! Anant was too worried all the time that I might somehow fall into the water (Although the railing of the ferry was well 4feet high and we were seated on rows of seats!) When I jumped off the boat before it had rested safely against land, I think Anant died a little! He seemed peaceful to be back on land!
I don't remember having seen a prettier place in my life! The architecture so unique! The weather pleasant! We decided to rent bicycles but only lady-cycles were available and I was dead against Anant riding them, although he seemed quite OK with it! We reached a lovely lodge which had an open restaurant facing sea shore. Here we rented a bike and went to Vasco da Gama Church. Fort Kochi is the place where Vasco da Gama had landed at in India during his famous trip via Africa. He died here in fort Kochi. We rode around a bit and then gave up the bike. The resorts, the villas, lodges were spectacular, I had never seen such good architecture before, that too all at the same place. We went to the beach where a temporary stage was set up and men performed the traditional kathakali dance. The beach is famous for the Chinese fishing nets (as in the photograph above) that are symbolic for the area.We lazed around at the beach till we could (we had to take the last ferry back to Ernakulam).
The ride back was fun too! Anant said he was afraid of dark waters! Added to it, he was of course afraid I might fall into the sea somehow! Sheesh..! We packed a variety of good south Indian chicken and returned to our hotel. My stomach churns right now, yearning for that very food! :( Next morning I was wide awake by 7am! In fact to Anant's annoyance I woke up with a start, worried that I might have overslept! I tried in vain to wake the darn thing up but he seemed pretty determined to get his 14 hours of sleep! Christ! We missed breakfast at the hotel so, we couldn't try iddi-uppams that I'd planned for breakfast but caught good sadya for lunch before we left for the station. The ride back was pretty much the same apart from the chilling fear I had in my mind of saying bye to him. Surprisingly we both were fast asleep until fifteen minutes before his stop! That too, we were woken up by Aman's call who'd come to pick up Anant at the station. I packed all his stuff hurriedly, brushed my teeth and before I could realise Bhopal(his stop) was there! Saying bye was not so tough after all, I had too many good memories to go through during the next twelve hours till I reached Delhi. I still smile thinking about little incidents from out trip! One night I woke up searching for his feet next to me(we used to face opposite sides while sleeping in the train cause the seats were too narrow!).
And so was our first vacation together. :)
Ever tried hugging yourself while you wept?
It works, almost.
Somehow New Year's Eve holds a very special place in my heart. I like spending it with my family and with Anant. As luck should have it we've never been together on this night ever since our first year together.i.e Welcome 2004.
2006: We were both in town but since it would've been the last year that they(his family) spent with his sister (since she was going for her Grad abroad and then would probably be married), it was up to her to decide where she wanted to celebrate. Somehow it was only on the 31st that she decided where to go. By then my parents had made other plans, so we couldn't make it together.
2007: He was in town till the 16th, but left for college. He spent New Years with his friends with me on the phone all grumpy about not having him with me!
So, here's wishing all of you a fabulous year ahead...! Hope it rocks and all your worries from the past vanish with the clock striking twelve tonight! :)
Cheers!!
Its that time of the year again, I can see the autumn slipping past and the cold cold winter approaching. Ahh.. I hate winters. I hate having to wear all those layers of clothes! I hate waking up in the morning with my feet still cold! I hate the shiver down my spine as I pour the first drops of water on me (when I'm bathing)! And the godforsaken cold! Once I get it, it won’t leave me till the end of winters!! It seems to have taken hours out of my day. I hate walking home in the dark, its just 6pm!!Suddenly, the room I love spending time in seems cold and dingy. I get no sun light in my room, which works fine for three-quarters of the year but right now it makes me feel morose. Here's a clip of my wallpaper!! Just want to keep the fall alive somehow!!
I admit I get to eat all my favorite fruits in winters! And, I dont have to get my legs waxed for the next four months!!! :) I love looking at my dog all puffed up, curled comfortably in his bed as I try tugging my feet beneath his stomach!I love the steaming cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I like playing with the dew collected on the glass of my window! I like the birds chirping in my back yard, trying to take shelter inside my mother's green house.
Crap, its not so bad afterall! But, I still-like-summers-better! *adamant kid with arms propped on sides!*
My brother's getting engaged on the 21st!
I'm going to have one week of tests, one week of internal practical, one week of external practical. Just got one free week this month! :( I've still not completed my project!!
Oh! Happy Diwali!! I spent most of last night painting diyas! They somehow don’t look as pretty as I'd imagined! :D Mum made me spruce up the whole house. Keep this here, put that away, clean your cupboard!
BLAH...!
Had a long long day! Mum is out of town and suddenly everyone seems to be aware that there is another twenty one year old lady in the house who should be able to manage things. I now know that its not easy for my mother to handle a home and her work as efficiently as she does! I did a sloppy job of being pseudo mommy for the first of four (I sense its going to seem longer) days!
The curd was too sour
The dog was not given food on time
There are no fruits for tomorrow
The kitchen is all dirty
House is messy
Water bottles(for keeping in the fridge) not filled
No dry towels in the bathroom
I am dead tired and ready to drop. Somehow finished writing blood sucking project report and I'm going to be out. Lets see how I fair tomorrow.
Arghhh... I feel pukish. Hope I'm not gonna be ill!
Training is coming to an end. College starts next week. I have decided to leave the hostel, so the next year is going to be about a lot of travelling, applying for jobs and staying at home of course! Maybe applying to universities as well. The house is almost complete too (it was being renovated). Chosing what colour to do the walls being the frequent topic of discussion at home!
I have to focus on preparing for the campus placements.
Next few weeks are going to be highlighted with a lot of change!
Feeling at peace.
Green lush lawn with one of its edges walking into a natural lake. This beauty encompassed by a walking track made by simply covering it with red sand. Little flower beds at abstract locations and absurd shapes giving it a very natural and yet a very well kept look. Earthen seats (never seen those before!) made for people to rest on and a small hut in the center for the caretaker who is by the way very particular about keeping the place just the way he pleases. Which by the look of it is pretty much perfect.I go there only after dark, it just adds to the magic! At that hour, I have it completely to myself. I take my dog along with me since the comfort of sharing silence comes naturally with him. Walk along the track with my thoughts flowing unrestrictedly across my mind. It feels great to be able to hear my own thoughts, to think aloud. With tuff running around me excitedly. Occassionally I stop to play with him and then get on with my walking. He just fools around near by taking care not to lose site of me at any point. I let him run around freely.
Suddenly I hear him run towards me as he decided to walk next to me for a while. We take a few rounds together and then he pushes off on his quest for exploring all nooks and crannies. I plug in my ipod and listen to all my favorite tracks. Keeping it low so I can hear the noises around me as well.
Got back home all drenched in sweat, looking very happy and satisfied.
How do you like spending time alone?
1. Wake up in the morning with my dog sitting next to me, staring at me, waiting for me to wake up! 2. Too sleepy to get up, I turn on the television to find out that all offices will be closed for the day!
3. Step into my old forgotten pair of jeans to find money crumpled in the pocket!
4. After a bad day at work, on my way home I turn on the radio and my favorite number just started!
5. Waking up to a beautiful morning, drizzling outside and my sweetheart lying next to me!
6. I over slept! Oh! No, its sunday! I can sleep another few hours! 7. My best friend turns up out of the blue!
9. Just when I am irritated/sad/tensed and on the verge of cracking up, I get a call from my sweetheart.
10. A nice cup of coffee!
11. Last day to submit that blessed assignment and the professor hasn't turned up!
12. The preparation leave for exams just got mysteriously extended!
13. Tuning through radio stations and an old friend requested a song for me!
14. That SOB polititian had to resign!
15. Rain
16. Falling alseep in Anant's arms, while he runs his fingers through my hair, my cheek!
17. Being looked after selflessly by someone I cherish, when I'm ill.
18. Going out on vacations with Anant.
19. Long drives.(at night!)
20. Train journeys!
So, what are your Instant Cheer-Ups?
PS: I LOVE SHREK AND WISH DONKEY WAS FOR REAL.
Haven't gone to office since the past three days. Hoping against hope I gather the strength to get up early and go tommorow! :) Meanwhile, I did something very productive today, learnt to make paper mache from 'Art Attack' and made a night lamp for my room! Spent an hour taking pictures of it in the dark, with the light on, in daylight, from all possible angles!! I am quite proud of it! Now is the time to decide whether to join back the hostel for the coming semester or not. I had previously decided to discontinue my stay in the hostel. But I fear losing the freedom to spend time with myself that I have become used to and can not do without. I like being on my own and do little things like sit at the computer, read a book, think, listen to music, watch a movie or do other stuff. Nothing very significant, pretty mundane but all the same I have missed being able to do all that over the summer. (I am working from home)
The other day, I was glued to a book and did nothing else the whole day. All my mother's attempts at trying to talk to me or get me to do something were returned by hostile stares or irritated grunts and sighs! I hate someone intruding while I am reading or doing stuff which I enjoy doing alone. I also noticed that I like having my dog around me during such times. Guess its something about human presence or maybe still about the comfort of sharing silence. This is completely in contrast to what I used to be like. Ironically, this is the way I like it!Do you like doing crafty stuff? How do you like spending your time?
PS: Updated the post since thoughts relating the same kept streaming through my mind all night long.
Fear, fear itself. My remarkably realistic mother always taught me this. Yet, I developed incomprehensible fears along the years.
I fear climbing stairs and even more so, climbing down them. Even slopes. I get an uncertain feeling all through the process, with the bottom of my feet feeling ticklish, like you do while swinging high on a swing. In that case your feet are off the ground, this is different and weird. I am always afraid of slipping off. My knees feel weak and uncertain.
I decided to know more about my phobia and found out that it is a common problem disconcerting scores of people across the world. Fear of stairs is created by the unconscious mind as a protective mechanism, relating to some trauma from the past. I do not recollect any such formidable incident relating stairs and my past.
There are actually two kinds of stair-related 'phobias: bathmophobia (fear of stairs or steep slopes) and climacophobia (fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs). I can not decide which category I fall in. Probably both since I fear stairs and slopes and also I fear climbing down or falling off them.
There are actually two kinds of stair-related 'phobias: bathmophobia (fear of stairs or steep slopes) and climacophobia (fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs). I can not decide which category I fall in. Probably both since I fear stairs and slopes and also I fear climbing down or falling off them.
Each time I climb down an intimidating flight of stairs, I fear the worst. This makes me very uncomfortable, daunting me from carrying out simple daily chores normally. I have tried keeping my mind off these thoughts and to overcome my fear. Someday, I hope to intrepidly walk down stairs and run down a slope!
Just got over with my exams which seemed to have been going on for ever! Well now I am free! Have a list of movies to catch up with! Got three days, after which my interns start. * groan *
I have to reload my ipod since I am extremely bored of the present collection. Have to keep myself pepped up while am in office! :) I had been going for my exams with a friend, loved his pool of music. Had asked him to load my ipod, but he keeps forgetting. Now its time to go home!
All my friends from hostel left today. I have another year to go before college finishes. Life is going to be so much different without them. Everything from getting up in the morning, to eating, going out to sleeping, we did together! I am gonna try and make the best of things. Afterall we will stay in touch. I am going to miss them crazy though! :) I love them so much! Anywhere felt like home with them!
Just got back from farewell lunch! Got drunk like crazy last to last night! Clasped onto my stomach and rolled on the floor laughing, looking at the videos! (literally) Thank god! one of us decided to remain sober, just in case!! :D
Had an insane bout of crying, laughing crying ........ for over an hour last night! Again, could not stop laughing, looking at the videos! Is this what being hysterical is?! I guess its easier not to think about whats going to happen. It is bound to happen anyways, right?
Anant is coming tomorrow, have loads to plan.
I have to reload my ipod since I am extremely bored of the present collection. Have to keep myself pepped up while am in office! :) I had been going for my exams with a friend, loved his pool of music. Had asked him to load my ipod, but he keeps forgetting. Now its time to go home!
All my friends from hostel left today. I have another year to go before college finishes. Life is going to be so much different without them. Everything from getting up in the morning, to eating, going out to sleeping, we did together! I am gonna try and make the best of things. Afterall we will stay in touch. I am going to miss them crazy though! :) I love them so much! Anywhere felt like home with them!
Just got back from farewell lunch! Got drunk like crazy last to last night! Clasped onto my stomach and rolled on the floor laughing, looking at the videos! (literally) Thank god! one of us decided to remain sober, just in case!! :D
Had an insane bout of crying, laughing crying ........ for over an hour last night! Again, could not stop laughing, looking at the videos! Is this what being hysterical is?! I guess its easier not to think about whats going to happen. It is bound to happen anyways, right?
Anant is coming tomorrow, have loads to plan.
- I have learnt that you learn most by being silent and just observing things around you. Rebelling is not really a solution especially when you know that not anything you say would bring even a miniscule of a change. Artificial submission, though a sign of pandering I have realized is an easy way out. I would not advise you to resort to it. Nevertheless, I do that.
I am not headstrong, in the sense that I do not expect others to yield to my beliefs. At the same time, I do not change mine just because I did not fit well into a situation. I have realized that I am a difficult person, which is quite apparent from the very few people I talk to. In addition, I simply recede back into my shell the moment I go into the verge of becoming intolerable. Reason: I do not have the strength to argue plus I do not want to become intolerable to the few people that I speak with. In the real sense, I have become a recluse but not so much for those who look from the outside.
I have realized that because of all this I am not myself most of the times while interacting even with those whom I am supposedly much attached with. - Very insignificant things can trigger a stream of memories. Nothing too obvious, any arbitrary thought, incedent, an object, a song, or a person. It does not necessarily have to make you sad. It can at the same time be much unexpected.
- I have learnt not to count on anything/anyone. The few times that I did count on someone, I was disappointed. I shamelessly even let the person know, how I was disappointed! Of course to my disadvantage. It’s OK to disappoint someone, but its rude to be told how disappointing you are!
- I have started living in a one-man world. I realize I have used phrases like "thank you" , "I am sorry" , "please" on more than a single occasion, not only with my boyfriend but also with my parents! I find that very awkward because I do not expect a loved one's conversation with me to be aided with such linguistic formal tools. I am not so sure I meant them (the phrases) each time. I have to (use them), so I would not be rude or hurt them.
- I find the most unadulterated bliss in my solitude. I admit, it is not easy for me to be on my own. To keep things in my heart, I feel burdened. When I do not get answers to the questions beleaguering my mind, I get restless. I feel afraid to reveal my thoughts on such occasions, since that would make me intolerable. When it gets out of control, I just have to talk it out. I have been asked to "SHUT UP" on such an occasion. I shall try and take myself to unearthed limits from now on before I take to outside help *outside=not me*.
- I do not smile as much as I used to. The most genuine smiles are revealed when I am alone!
MAGNITUDE OF LONELINESS SHOULD NOT BE CALCULATED BY THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THERE TO SHARE YOUR HAPPINESS BUT BY THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THERE TO SHARE THE BURDEN OF YOUR SORROWS.
PS: I do not blame anybody for who I am and what I have become. If anything, I am thankful. I just did not see it coming, because of which it is secretly not welcome.
- Two things that are most striking about me:
- 1. I think a lot.
- 2. I have an exceptionally good memory.
The more I indulge in the former powered by the latter, I fear I would drown into the hollowness surrounding me. I fear getting lost in this labyrinth of thoughts of mine.
Am I going to fast ? or is life running past me? Either ways, I cant seem to get a hold.
Feeling: dazed
