tunia
I used to be one of the most birthday crazy people I know. I like to think I have grown out of it, but I keep proving myself wrong with my subtle subconscious acts.

 For instance, I picked a milk carton that had an expiry of my birth date about 2 weeks before my birthday! Every time I see it, it makes me feel happy and warm. It's strange how one feels like their birthday is their day, but if you lived with that feeling throughout the year, one's life could end up being so much more positive. I suppose, it's a good check point to have nevertheless. 

So, as I am about to complete 28 years, what have I learned? What could I do differently? What could I change or improve about myself? What direction should I take my life in? What should I stop doing?

I have learned to be more patient. I have learned that I should be happy and positive for myself, it enables me to gracefully take on life's chanllenges. I have found that loved ones and experiences are the only worthy things, everything else comes and goes and probably doesn't truly matter. I have learned that my mental and physical strengths are my most valuable companions.

I will work towards being more independent. I will make myself stronger and healthier. I will strive to be a pillar in my parent's life. I will do a better job of being emotionally more stable. I should work out more regularly, I am not getting any younger. I will try to be a better person. I will care about things that really matter and not let the ones that don't bother me. I will be more sincere towards the betterment of mine and my husband's life. 

I will do a better job of devoting my time, money and capabilities towards helping those who are less fortunate than me.

I will not accept anyone's brutality towards my will, my feelings or my integrity.

Happy Birthday Mrinalini! 
caboodle mix :: 0 reflections | edit post
tunia

tunia
Everyone should have a happy place or a happy thought, one that can recover you from absolutely anything. Mine is when I visited India for the first time after I moved to the US, for my brother's wedding.
It hasn't been working very well lately. Need to get it to.
tunia

After a bath, upset with us for making him all nice and clean! :) Hanging out with his toys as usual! :)

Oct 1999 - I think it was around the 30th that papa got him to Delhi. There couldn't have been a more grand entrance! Papa and his boss synced their official trip to Jodhpur with Tuff's 20days+ birthday so they could bring him back with them. Papa had many puppies to chose from, but this guy was the naughtiest of all and papa thought that was very cute! :) Tuff ran out of the house and the whole household went berserk trying to find him. Little did papa know that bringing-up this brat was going to be more than just a handful! :) So, they flew back in an Airforce transport plane with this 20-something day old golden lab retriever! :) Me, Nakul and Mummy were in Gandhinagar waiting for the school-year to end, so we could join papa in Delhi. I was just 13years old, he was to be my birthday present! :) Whenever someone asked whom I loved the most, I'd reply "My dog."! As silly as it sounds, till this date this has been the easiest question for me to answer.

My first memories of him are from when I went to visit papa and Tuff when he was two and a half months old. Papa had bought him a bed (something like a khatiya) that he found a better use of, by laying under rather than over it! :) Like in a den. He grew really big in just a few weeks and it was funny to see him all confused when he could no-longer crawl under the khatiya or sit in my lap! :) He was the naughtiest dog I had ever met! Could ever imagine!

I next saw him another four months later, when we moved to Delhi with mummy and Nakul. He had turned into this full grown lab-retriever, very huge! Tall like a retriever, fat like a lab! :) Afraid of the ceiling-fan cause he was a winter born child who dint get why something hanging from the ceiling had to be spinning all the time! :) He had an art, of making people like him! I cant remember a single person who met him and didn't immediately grow affectionate towards him!

We found that he was really dum, :-| cause he tried to go around being friends with every living being! May it be a cat/ parrot/ mouse/ cockroach(not kidding) or anyone! He dint care! If it moved and is alive, he wanted to be friends with it! :) He once growled at papa while protecting a wounded cockroach, when papa walked towards it to kill it! He also once guarded a mouse for a day and a half, that we had caught in a mouse trap! :) It was amusing to see how comfortable tiny two year olds were around him! How patient he was with them! It dint take him very long to become my one year old nephew's favorite person! :)

We later found out that he wasn't so dum after-all! He was a good looking, lovable guard dog! :)He was just 2years old when he guarded our house (Subroto Park) by growling like a maniac, speeding towards our entrance gate when he heard a noise late into the night! :) He demonstrated valor at many occasions when he protected me against the household help when he thought they were trying to harm me(Chanakya Puri) or against papa (always! :) ) when he yelled at me and when he chased the watchman mistaking him for the thief (It was an honest mistake, that watchman was the only stranger around our house.)! He was a true loyal member of our family!

He was a smart dog, not only did he learn all basic commands that dogs do, he became multilingual! He surprised us by understanding bits and pieces of English, Hindi and Malayalam! :) An example of how intelligent he was: He was trained not to enter the kitchen for hygiene purposes. Never was this instruction repeated to him even as we moved from one house to another, or even when he visited anyone else's house! :)

He became so popular amongst our neighbors that random people and kids would come pet him, spend time with him, even offer to walk him for the sheer joy that he spread around himself! I remember a time when kids referred to us as "Tuff-ki-didi" or "Tuff-ke-papa"! He was the most wonderful, most handsome dog I knew! :) We grew up together and he was probably the most important part of my growing up! Not many humans can love unconditionally, like he did!

He lead a very happy and wholesome life. We celebrated his birthdays and pampered him a lot! Talked to him! (he used to talk back!) :) Skyped with him when we moved to a different city! Flew half way across the world to meet him when he got very sick. Tried to make his last days as happy and memorable as possible.

I'm happy he left peacefully and did not have to suffer a lot. May my baby's soul rest in peace, we love you a lot my Tuffu baba! :) Ummahh.. Be happy wherever you are, visit us in our dreams and know that you will always be a part of our lives, your love will always remain with us.
Taking a bath
With his friend Buzo :)
On his 9th birthday, wearing his new coat and carrying around his huge new bone :)
Sleeping, Doing his thing, looking Cute! :)
With his favorite toy, Batak! :)
Having trouble sitting still! :)
Wagging his tail as always! :)
Hanging around in his red jacket! :)
Eating Sadya on Onam :)
tunia

This is my first car and my pride! I bought her during my last semester in school and took wonderful care of her; we named her 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang'. This was the car I toured my parents around in when they visited me for my convocation. This was the car we drove when we first lived as a couple together. This was the car in which I experienced my first automatic car-wash! :) 

I met with an accident a day before my birthday; looking back I am glad that we're both safe but the car got completely wrecked. :( Today, around lunch time I received an email from the insurance company telling me that they would tow her away tomorrow morning because the damage was irreparable. This changed my illusion about me! I couldn't stop the tears that started flowing as it dawned on me that I would no longer be able to drive her! I realised that this was very silly and also realised that this was 'me'!

Try as I may, I can not help but get attached with things/people/places around me, especially the ones I care about. I can not help but make them an intricate part of my life and try and do justice to my relationships with them. I cherish all my memories from the past, they are after all the threads of my life's charming velvet. I love and I care and at times, I cry. I hate letting go, but understand that sometimes you have to. That does not make me weak, it makes me real. I've spent years of my life learning to be indifferent to things around me so they could never hurt me. But with each passing chapter, I learnt that they are what make my life true and meaningful.

I loved you very dearly Chitty, you shall always be my favorite car and never be forgotten. :)
caboodle mix :: , , , 2 reflections | edit post
tunia
I have been unfair to my blog and have loads to fill in. My life is about to take a whole 180° flip! I shall start by picking up a few months before where I last left, i.e. April 7, 2009 (I'll skip the April 19 post cause it was more of a nostalgic/emotional outburst!). Stay with me as its been (my life) no less than a roller coaster! This shall be a series of posts since I don't want the best two years of my life to be summarized in a 1000 words!

I came to USC in Fall'08 and 4months into my masters, I was doing terribly at school. Fortunately, even though I landed up with 2B's and a C+, I was not ready to give up yet. I was subconsciously afraid that masters was the wrong choice for me.
tunia




I want you.. Not in my dreams but next to me.
caboodle mix :: 6 reflections | edit post
tunia
I realized I blog when I am sad/depressed etc.. Here's a happy post.
I finally got an intern at Lucasfilms, Frisco!!! :) I'd been trying since the past four months and finally god blessed me with this. I'll be interning from May mid till August end!! and I get to meet Sandi..! :) Should be good fun.. esp since this break is so so welcome!
I'm quite excited about it and am really really looking forward to it..Started working on campus after 3 months of living in complete kadki (misery). I work at the department of psychiatry which is at the other campus so it takes me about a half hour to get there but its a beautiful drive.
 I've found solace in solidarity, found a secret hide out in my campus where nobody else hangs out and you can just sit/lay there for hours together looking into the sky, smoking a cigarette. Its beautiful. I've started walking again. Had forgotten how effective it used to be for releasing stress. Usually go fountain hopping within my campus.
I just met a professor who's bought a lab cum St. Bernard puppy! I forced him into taking my number and calling me for walking the dog and baby sitting it. He's too cute! They call him Donaldo! :)
I miss writing and reading all your posts. I wish I could find more time for that.
caboodle mix :: , , , 11 reflections | edit post
tunia
her> I don't mean to dampen your spirit but I was the same when I got here. Now all I want to do is go back home. Get over with this. Everything feels fake now, the people, the places. I am fed up. I bet you'd feel the same way 6 months down the lane.

me> (right then) No! I wont! I love it here, my apartment, my room mates, my courses, my friends! Its all good!

me> (three months later) I still like it here. Being all independent, my courses, my apartment, my friends!

me> (another two months later and after moving out of my apartment cause of pretentious old room mate who turned out to be nothing but a cold selfish inconsiderate i-want-to-say-bitch-but-i-wont!) I still like it here. Being all independent, my courses, my friends! Fighting for myself!

me> (a couple of minutes back) I want to run back home. Safe with my parents my family. I miss them all! I miss my friends, my room, my dog, my car, my country! I hate being all alone fending for myself.. Jobless, going through each day worried about my funds running out and not being able to find another job! No luck with internships although I have been trying since the past three months day in and day out!

me> (right now) I like it here and I know I will be so proud of myself after I've crossed this phase which I believe to be the toughest one of my life so far! I have learnt so much and matured more in the past two months than I did in the past two years! My belief that god has his ways is stronger than ever before!!
caboodle mix :: , , 6 reflections | edit post
tunia
I do not want to be the one he can live with, but the one he can't live without.
tunia
Its weird how you want him most when he just can not stand you.
You just make it worse by seeking him even more.
Irony!
caboodle mix :: 4 reflections | edit post
tunia
Try as I may, there are some things that I just can not change. These things over shadow all the rest of my efforts and I am back to square one at the end of the long day.

I used to be very emotional. In the sense that I always needed someone for sharing my joy, happiness, anger, troubles, problems anything.. I was not emotionally strong enough. I feel I have come a long way. I feel proud to say that there is not one person anymore whom I'm dependent on. Without whom I would feel handicapped. No sir, and that is an achievement for me. It was about time I learnt this.

I was weak and in capable of looking after myself. I am now more independent than most people my age, living by myself all alone in this alien country fending for myself doing everything for myself. I needed to learn this as it was about time I left the nest of my parents and learnt to handle the big-bad-world head on.

I used to let anybody wreck my life into pieces, being so sensitive. I was told that "making me happy is nobody's obligation". I feel proud to say that no one, absolutely no one can take the smile off my face anymore. My heart is now like a brick wall that is quite difficult to penetrate.

Having said all this, there are many things that I can still not control. Try as I may, I just can not.. These weaknesses haunt me like a ghost. Bringing back skeletons from the past slapping me whack on my face and making me feel like a loser.

Is it alright for me, not to apply the above rules for ONE person in my life? Or am I being foolish in doing so? Is this where the key to my ultimate isolation n happiness lies?

I wonder...

I'm hurting...
caboodle mix :: , , 4 reflections | edit post
tunia

Love you sweetheart and miss you soo much! Waiting for us to be together again.. Waiting to be in your arms again.. To feel your warmth against me.. To kiss you.. Look at you.. Hold hands with you.. Hopefully time wont be a constraint when we meet now..

caboodle mix :: 2 reflections | edit post
tunia



I gave my parents a surprise by coming for my brother’s wedding without notice. I wish my worthless friend Prashant would have captured their emotions on suddenly seeing me. All he managed to capture was my dog’s response as he was over whelmed by my father bursting into tears, my mother repeatedly calling out my name (as if to make sure I was the right person!) and my brother hitting me for some good reason! We had a blast at the wedding! I am so happy I impulsively booked my tickets two months back. I am proud of myself that I managed not to tell my parents about it and successfully gave them and my brother a wonderful surprise!

As I walked into the airport pushing my trolley stacked with the three huge bags of innumerable useless goods I'd stacked myself up with, I felt ashamed of the tears streaming down my cheeks. The good byes with my parents was a completely different scenario. There were no tears, I felt happy about being there for my brother’s wedding even though it was a short trip of just three days. I was able to convince them that I shall be with them whenever they missed me and that there was absolutely no need for anybody to be sad or shed tears for after all we talk everyday over the phone.

Just the thought of saying bye to Anant brought tears to my eyes. I felt weak and miserable and wished I did not have to say bye at all. I cried right from the moment my bags were all packed and I had checked and double checked all my stuff. I had nothing more to do to keep my mind off the fact that I did not know when I would get to see him again. I cried as I hugged him goodbye at the airport, I cried each time I called him till I boarded my flight. I cried sitting in the airplane dreading to fall back into the regular grove of my life after the amazing vacation I had. Now that I sit and think about it here a 35000 feet above land, I do not feel so ashamed anymore. If anything I am yet again amused by god’s own ways of handling things.

I now know that there was nothing wrong in the way I behaved both the times. I know that my feelings are not biased towards someone I met just five years back (WE COMPLETE FIVE YEARS ON 18th NOVEMBER!! J) While saying goodbyes to my parents, although I was sad I did not cry cause I am their strength. I am the one supposed to look after them and assure them that I’ll be there for them, always. I know if need be, I shall fly across the seven seas to be with them. I know that my urge to look after them is stronger than anything else for me.

I cried like a baby saying bye to Anant cause he is my strength, he completes me. When I am with him, I have no worries cause I know he’ll take them all away for me. I know nothing can go wrong when he is around. Leaving him and going so far away made me feel so vulnerable, like being left in the cold dark world all by myself. It amuses me how I manage just fine all year long and spending just two days with him spoiled me enough to convince myself that I would not be able to survive on my own anymore. Now I know how much I yearn to be with him.

I am proud that the thought of him right now can bring such a warm feeling in my tummy, happiness in my heart and peace in my mind! I again fell in love with him during my short trip that I squeezed in to meet him! Damn he takes me over! God, I love him soo… My heart had again been stacked up with beautiful memories which would help me survive until we met again. Don’t know when that would be but right now it dint even matter! I know we are meant to be and nothing can change that. Ever.

Gearing up for the extremely hectic weeks ahead and the midterm tomorrow.

Peace.


tunia

Had been looking for this song since the past ten days!!!! Heard it on the radio..and just could not get over it! All I could remember of it was "ta ta taara" :D

I am sitting
In the morning
At the diner
On the corner

I am waiting
At the counter
For the man
To pour the coffee

And he fills it
Only halfway
And before
I even argue

He is looking
Out the window
At somebody
Coming in

"It is always
Nice to see you"
Says the man
Behind the counter

To the woman
Who has come in
She is shaking
Her umbrella

And I look
The other way
As they are kissing
Their hellos

I'm pretending
Not to see them
Instead
I pour the milk

I open
Up the paper
There's a story
Of an actor

Who had died
While he was drinking
It was no one
I had heard of

And I'm turning
To the horoscope
And looking
For the funnies

When I'm feeling
Someone watching me
And so
I raise my head

There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?

No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection

And I'm trying
Not to notice
That she's hitching
Up her skirt

And while she's
Straightening her stockings
Her hair
Has gotten wet

Oh, this rain
It will continue
Through the morning
As I'm listening

To the bells
Of the cathedral
I am thinking
Of your voice...

And of the midnight picnic
Once upon a time
Before the rain began...

I finish up my coffee
It's time to catch the train
tunia
It is nobody's obligation to make you happy nor is it anybody's duty to be there for you.
Strive for yourself.
tunia
unknown> Why do masters?

me
> To complete all that was unfinished from my Bachelors!

unknown
> Oh! You seem to be pretty keen on mastering your subjects!

me
> Uh!? Oh! Yeah, that too!

unknown
> Then, what else?!

me
> I meant, all my unfinished knowledge about people and types of people, different natures, unbelievable behaviors! How weird weird can actually get and how phenomenal some people are! How to correctly judge a person! How to adjust amongst the strangest of situations! How to remain patient irrespective of anything going on around you. Not to let anyone perturb you. If someone has issues with life, its his/her problem not mine!

unknown
> But then, masters in Computer Networks? Maybe Sociology or something?

me
> Oh! That is the only part which makes me realize how normal life still is!

unknown
> Why masters?

me
> To learn to live for myself.

unknown
> Makes sense.

me
> Does it?

unknown
> No!

me
> Does to me!
caboodle mix :: 4 reflections | edit post
tunia








Onamasamsagal! :)
May god bless you with the best of everything.
*Onamasamsagal means Happy Onam in Malayalam
caboodle mix :: , , 7 reflections | edit post
tunia
I finally got time to read all the pending posts on my google reader account. I haven't had time to post comments though! :(
I'm doing great! Went to Beverly Hills! n the beach, its beautiful! We plan to go to San Diego during the long weekend in September beginning :)
Work starts beginning of next week. Did I mention I get free food n Booze with it!? :D
Thats it for now.. I'll be more regular with posting n commenting both..(I hope!)
caboodle mix :: , 6 reflections | edit post
tunia
This post is pretty boring, cause I don't have the time to tell you guys all that I've been dying to.. For now I'll just keep it to the crust!
I'm doing great!
I like the place, especially my university.Its beautiful! :)
Haven't freaked out yet!
We're three inseparable great friends. God bless them!
Every thing's so BIG here! The squirrel is half the size of a cat! :O Coffee.. Onions! Everything!
Cute. Small. Pretty. Neat house. I love it! Its mine! :)
Food, I'm doing great with cooking for self n roomie.
Busy busy busy already!
Got two jobs, the third one is in the making. Will select soon.
Miss tuff more than I'd anticipated! :(
Complete sweetheart my new room mate. The other one I dont know yet. Seems good though. Different.


Thats all for now, will post back with pics!
As expected she dint even care to check how I was doing being this near to me. I'm never gonna forget this.
caboodle mix :: , , 8 reflections | edit post