I have been unfair to my blog and have loads to fill in. My life is about to take a whole 180° flip! I shall start by picking up a few months before where I last left, i.e. April 7, 2009 (I'll skip the April 19 post cause it was more of a nostalgic/emotional outburst!). Stay with me as its been (my life) no less than a roller coaster! This shall be a series of posts since I don't want the best two years of my life to be summarized in a 1000 words!
I came to USC in Fall'08 and 4months into my masters, I was doing terribly at school. Fortunately, even though I landed up with 2B's and a C+, I was not ready to give up yet. I was subconsciously afraid that masters was the wrong choice for me.
her> I don't mean to dampen your spirit but I was the same when I got here. Now all I want to do is go back home. Get over with this. Everything feels fake now, the people, the places. I am fed up. I bet you'd feel the same way 6 months down the lane.
me> (right then) No! I wont! I love it here, my apartment, my room mates, my courses, my friends! Its all good!
me> (three months later) I still like it here. Being all independent, my courses, my apartment, my friends!
me> (another two months later and after moving out of my apartment cause of pretentious old room mate who turned out to be nothing but a cold selfish inconsiderate i-want-to-say-bitch-but-i-wont!) I still like it here. Being all independent, my courses, my friends! Fighting for myself!
me> (a couple of minutes back) I want to run back home. Safe with my parents my family. I miss them all! I miss my friends, my room, my dog, my car, my country! I hate being all alone fending for myself.. Jobless, going through each day worried about my funds running out and not being able to find another job! No luck with internships although I have been trying since the past three months day in and day out!
me> (right now) I like it here and I know I will be so proud of myself after I've crossed this phase which I believe to be the toughest one of my life so far! I have learnt so much and matured more in the past two months than I did in the past two years! My belief that god has his ways is stronger than ever before!!
Try as I may, there are some things that I just can not change. These things over shadow all the rest of my efforts and I am back to square one at the end of the long day.
I used to be very emotional. In the sense that I always needed someone for sharing my joy, happiness, anger, troubles, problems anything.. I was not emotionally strong enough. I feel I have come a long way. I feel proud to say that there is not one person anymore whom I'm dependent on. Without whom I would feel handicapped. No sir, and that is an achievement for me. It was about time I learnt this.
I was weak and in capable of looking after myself. I am now more independent than most people my age, living by myself all alone in this alien country fending for myself doing everything for myself. I needed to learn this as it was about time I left the nest of my parents and learnt to handle the big-bad-world head on.
I used to let anybody wreck my life into pieces, being so sensitive. I was told that "making me happy is nobody's obligation". I feel proud to say that no one, absolutely no one can take the smile off my face anymore. My heart is now like a brick wall that is quite difficult to penetrate.
Having said all this, there are many things that I can still not control. Try as I may, I just can not.. These weaknesses haunt me like a ghost. Bringing back skeletons from the past slapping me whack on my face and making me feel like a loser.
Is it alright for me, not to apply the above rules for ONE person in my life? Or am I being foolish in doing so? Is this where the key to my ultimate isolation n happiness lies?
I wonder...
I'm hurting...
I know it for a fact now that even on a happy day I can’t sleep without having spoken to Anant before hitting the bed! Precisely that happened today when today I waited for him to call me before sleeping till about 1:30 in the morning (my usual time of sleeping) and I realized that he’d dozed off cause he couldn’t get through my number.
My friends move on after I leave? They get closer to each other cause they'll be around each other and when I finally do meet them after a year or something, I'm like a stranger to them?
- Anant can see no good reason to wait for the year till he joins me or god forbid he doesn't join me at all? Then we'll be away for like five years cause I gotta work there after I graduate?
- My parents forget the feel of me and get more attached to my brother and his wife (they get married in Nov)?
- My dog ages too fast in these two years? Doesn't feel attached to me anymore when I get back? I feel like I'm betraying him by leaving him during the most significant years of his life. Dogs tend to age very fast during this age. He's nine years old, his father had died when he was 12! :(
- My room is all re-arranged when I get back and I'll be put in the guest room for the little time that I do come home during vacations?
- I am not cut out for the program that I'm going for? What if I think I love the course but actually I totally suck at it? I end up being a complete loser?
- I get freaked out once I get there?
- I finally do live the life I've been craving for only to know I don't like it so much? And, now there's nothing I can do about it cause, there's no looking back!
- Like everyone keeping telling me, I do like it better there and I'm too blind to see what all I'd left behind for it?
- My room mates hate me?
- I don't make good friends there and I end up being very lonely?
Oh! Sometimes I wish I'd just chuck the whole MS business and stay home look after my parents and work here...! b/w I just got my VISA! yey! :) I've been getting the weirdest of nightmares, where all the worst fears of my innermost soul are displayed ruthlessly!! :( :(
What if? What if? What if? ! !
My body has developed its own immunity against soporific drugs. I have not been sleeping well lately and last night I just could not bear it so I took pills at about quarter to nine in the night. I was elated when I felt drowsy by about half past nine. So, I happily packed off to bed! Now the immunity I've developed cant stop me from feeling drowsy but it sends a weird sensation across my arms and limbs which makes it practically impossible for me to fall asleep. Its like an allergic reaction or something.
I fell into this weird state where I knew I was awake but kept getting nightmares, which incidentally felt very real! I just kept twirling in bed till about one when I finally sat up and massaged my legs cause they were aching in a funny way! I spent the next three and a half hours trying to get back to sleep cause now the effect of the drug had worn out so, I stopped getting that icky feeling in my arms and limbs. I just kept twirling in bed, clutching my pillow, covering myself with my sheet and then uncovering myself , turned over, lay on my back, on my left side, then right side, on my stomach, covered my face with my pillow, held onto my teddy bear. BUT NO SLEEP. At about four thirty, I heard my father walking around in the house, he goes for playing golf in the morning. He came and sat next to me as I pretended to sleep and then he kissed my forehead. I had to garner all the strength in my soul to stop myself from crying and to continue pretending to sleep.
Now I sit here writing as I can hear birds chirping and the dawn breaking outside my window.
I hate not being able to sleep. :(
I've been getting a strong urge to go out there and live alone, for quite sometime now. Face the big bad world myself, away from my family and friends; away from their love and protection. At least not until I'm completely self reliant, not until I've seen it all out there, not until my heart gives the signal.
Its strange how I keep planning for this crazy dream of mine. How when I'm happy, I start wondering how I'd react if I were alone. How, when I'm sad, I wonder how I'll handle myself. I crave to wake up alone, cook for myself and do all my chores just for myself. Get back home to again plan the next day, that should of course revolve around me. The more I think about it, I just know I have to do this at least once. Live alone for a few years or I'd regret not having done it when I'm elder. I admit I'm a bit sad right now, but it has nothing to do with what I'm writing. If anything, I'm just very expressive which is good, since I've been trying to write for quite a few days but haven't completed a single entry. Those who've been following(my blog) may know how I cant write unless I feel very strongly about something.
I tried explaining this to my mother by citing the example of a bird. Even she HAS to leave her nest and go out into the real world. It scared her a little. She dint react until she made sure I was serious about what I said. I'm not so sure she still understands but this is precisely what I want a break from. I want to live for me. I did not tell her that it is this dream of mine that keeps me going at the moment. I know it is not going to be a bed of roses, it is in fact going to be the very opposite. But, I also know that after I've done this, my perspective of looking at any situation will be very different. I would finally start worrying about things that really matter rather than wasting my mind/energy/peace over tiny issues.
I would be able to say "I lived life".
"Mad World"
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
Gary Jules
What do you do when you have the world under your feet when you are happy and not one person (when I say not ONE, I don’t mean it figuratively) person to share your sadness? Not a single friend, not your boy friend, not your parents, your brother. No One. They lie in three categories.
- Who can’t see me sad, so they’d rather hang up on me crying or leave me until I am well, more handle-able instead of even trying to deal with me.
- Who I feel conscious in going up to since I feel too guilty knocking at their door each time I’m upset. It must be a chore for them, I don’t want them getting fed up and shifting to category one.
- Who I can’t go up to when I’m sad. What do you tell your parents or brother when you’re upset cause of other things in your life. They’d either lecture me about my wrong choices and priorities etc.. Or warn me how things could get worse if I continued with my life this way.
I feel I’m one of a kind when I am bad. I just have not learnt to handle it. I cry a lot, hug myself and cry more until I can fall asleep. I just don’t know how to divert my mind from it and act like nothing is wrong. Sadly, not one person understands my misery and I am left with one to go! Since crying is the easiest vent for my feelings (I basically cry a lot) it has become common place for the ones who "love" me. I wish I could be the same way when i see a sad face or hear a sad voice. Shades of inhuman-ness suddenly feels like a blessing rather than a curse. At least being happy at someone else's cost shall not feel so bad anymore!
The happiest faces you see in a crowd are the saddest ones at heart. I feel like I am one of those.
Green lush lawn with one of its edges walking into a natural lake. This beauty encompassed by a walking track made by simply covering it with red sand. Little flower beds at abstract locations and absurd shapes giving it a very natural and yet a very well kept look. Earthen seats (never seen those before!) made for people to rest on and a small hut in the center for the caretaker who is by the way very particular about keeping the place just the way he pleases. Which by the look of it is pretty much perfect.
I go there only after dark, it just adds to the magic! At that hour, I have it completely to myself. I take my dog along with me since the comfort of sharing silence comes naturally with him. Walk along the track with my thoughts flowing unrestrictedly across my mind. It feels great to be able to hear my own thoughts, to think aloud. With tuff running around me excitedly. Occassionally I stop to play with him and then get on with my walking. He just fools around near by taking care not to lose site of me at any point. I let him run around freely.
Suddenly I hear him run towards me as he decided to walk next to me for a while. We take a few rounds together and then he pushes off on his quest for exploring all nooks and crannies. I plug in my ipod and listen to all my favorite tracks. Keeping it low so I can hear the noises around me as well.
Got back home all drenched in sweat, looking very happy and satisfied.
How do you like spending time alone?
Can't buy it, cant find it, can't look for it,no one can help you get it.
Lies within you. Its for you to discover!
The summer is finally out. Feels so good to be back into my torn pair of shorts and tee's!!! Its beautiful. The day is longer, prettier. The early sunset used to make me feel gloomy.. It drizzled in the morning.. The grass still gleaming with raindrops..
I feel good... I feel good!!
I was out,lingering around the stairs. She walked upto me and said, "The marks won't go you know". I snapped back my hands close to my body as a reflex. How could I have forgotten? How could I be so stupid? * eyebrows curling up immediately * I looked down,at my toes and replied "How do you know? " * very uncomfortable and reluctant to make this conversation * Then she showed, there they were . Looked familiar. Felt sick.
We've been living together since the past two years, and I had no clue that she'd gone through such a phase when all doors were closed for her. When she had no one who could help her. That drove her to those measures of insanity. I felt ashamed. Then I noticed her looking around, probably thinking the same.
I realised I deplored the sickening impulsive decision, I'd taken that night. I wanted to tell her the same. But could not even look into her eyes straight. You feel like its the end of the world but its not. I have to be more sensible, stronger,less sensitive. I held her hand and took a deep breath,feeling her relaxing as well. Felt like puppets being made to enact two versions of the same play! I promised never to do it. Made her do the same. * glad this happened *
