My body has developed its own immunity against soporific drugs. I have not been sleeping well lately and last night I just could not bear it so I took pills at about quarter to nine in the night. I was elated when I felt drowsy by about half past nine. So, I happily packed off to bed! Now the immunity I've developed cant stop me from feeling drowsy but it sends a weird sensation across my arms and limbs which makes it practically impossible for me to fall asleep. Its like an allergic reaction or something.
I fell into this weird state where I knew I was awake but kept getting nightmares, which incidentally felt very real! I just kept twirling in bed till about one when I finally sat up and massaged my legs cause they were aching in a funny way! I spent the next three and a half hours trying to get back to sleep cause now the effect of the drug had worn out so, I stopped getting that icky feeling in my arms and limbs. I just kept twirling in bed, clutching my pillow, covering myself with my sheet and then uncovering myself , turned over, lay on my back, on my left side, then right side, on my stomach, covered my face with my pillow, held onto my teddy bear. BUT NO SLEEP. At about four thirty, I heard my father walking around in the house, he goes for playing golf in the morning. He came and sat next to me as I pretended to sleep and then he kissed my forehead. I had to garner all the strength in my soul to stop myself from crying and to continue pretending to sleep.
Now I sit here writing as I can hear birds chirping and the dawn breaking outside my window.
I hate not being able to sleep. :(
What do you do when you have the world under your feet when you are happy and not one person (when I say not ONE, I don’t mean it figuratively) person to share your sadness? Not a single friend, not your boy friend, not your parents, your brother. No One. They lie in three categories.
- Who can’t see me sad, so they’d rather hang up on me crying or leave me until I am well, more handle-able instead of even trying to deal with me.
- Who I feel conscious in going up to since I feel too guilty knocking at their door each time I’m upset. It must be a chore for them, I don’t want them getting fed up and shifting to category one.
- Who I can’t go up to when I’m sad. What do you tell your parents or brother when you’re upset cause of other things in your life. They’d either lecture me about my wrong choices and priorities etc.. Or warn me how things could get worse if I continued with my life this way.
I feel I’m one of a kind when I am bad. I just have not learnt to handle it. I cry a lot, hug myself and cry more until I can fall asleep. I just don’t know how to divert my mind from it and act like nothing is wrong. Sadly, not one person understands my misery and I am left with one to go! Since crying is the easiest vent for my feelings (I basically cry a lot) it has become common place for the ones who "love" me. I wish I could be the same way when i see a sad face or hear a sad voice. Shades of inhuman-ness suddenly feels like a blessing rather than a curse. At least being happy at someone else's cost shall not feel so bad anymore!
The happiest faces you see in a crowd are the saddest ones at heart. I feel like I am one of those.
I am a very weak person when it comes to handling emotions. I do not joke when I say that my body aches when I am hurt. I can relate to the term "heart ache". I resort to making my self unconscious when I am that way. May it be by sleeping off by having pills or getting myself drunk to the limit that I can feel no more.
I do not deny that I am hurting while I write this. I have tried streching all limits within me. I have locked myself up, emotionally.
I hurt myself so I do not feel the pain that these emotions bring to me. I can still feel the blood sticking to my sleeves when I slit my wrists again and again that night, till I could feel no more. Its been seven months. I hate to admit, it made me feel better. I hate to admit that the pain soothed me. I hate to admit I do not share my feelings anymore because it hurts more not to share and somehow the hurt soothes me.
I am a very passionate person. I hate like venom. I love like a child. I care like a mother. I cry like a baby.
I have a job. I am confident enough that I can make it to a decent university. I have the most wonderful family in the world and yet, I am very sad. I do not remember the last time I was happy.
With each passing day I turn closer to becoming a stone. I am getting there. I am proud of myself for not being dependent on the people that I used to bank on for my life.
I am scared.
My body has developed its own immunity against soporific drugs. I have not been sleeping well lately and last night I just could not bear it so I took pills at about quarter to nine in the night. I was elated when I felt drowsy by about half past nine. So, I happily packed off to bed! Now the immunity I've developed cant stop me from feeling drowsy but it sends a weird sensation across my arms and limbs which makes it practically impossible for me to fall asleep. Its like an allergic reaction or something.
