What do you do when you have the world under your feet when you are happy and not one person (when I say not ONE, I don’t mean it figuratively) person to share your sadness? Not a single friend, not your boy friend, not your parents, your brother. No One. They lie in three categories.
- Who can’t see me sad, so they’d rather hang up on me crying or leave me until I am well, more handle-able instead of even trying to deal with me.
- Who I feel conscious in going up to since I feel too guilty knocking at their door each time I’m upset. It must be a chore for them, I don’t want them getting fed up and shifting to category one.
- Who I can’t go up to when I’m sad. What do you tell your parents or brother when you’re upset cause of other things in your life. They’d either lecture me about my wrong choices and priorities etc.. Or warn me how things could get worse if I continued with my life this way.
I feel I’m one of a kind when I am bad. I just have not learnt to handle it. I cry a lot, hug myself and cry more until I can fall asleep. I just don’t know how to divert my mind from it and act like nothing is wrong. Sadly, not one person understands my misery and I am left with one to go! Since crying is the easiest vent for my feelings (I basically cry a lot) it has become common place for the ones who "love" me. I wish I could be the same way when i see a sad face or hear a sad voice. Shades of inhuman-ness suddenly feels like a blessing rather than a curse. At least being happy at someone else's cost shall not feel so bad anymore!
The happiest faces you see in a crowd are the saddest ones at heart. I feel like I am one of those.
I am a very weak person when it comes to handling emotions. I do not joke when I say that my body aches when I am hurt. I can relate to the term "heart ache". I resort to making my self unconscious when I am that way. May it be by sleeping off by having pills or getting myself drunk to the limit that I can feel no more.
I do not deny that I am hurting while I write this. I have tried streching all limits within me. I have locked myself up, emotionally.
I hurt myself so I do not feel the pain that these emotions bring to me. I can still feel the blood sticking to my sleeves when I slit my wrists again and again that night, till I could feel no more. Its been seven months. I hate to admit, it made me feel better. I hate to admit that the pain soothed me. I hate to admit I do not share my feelings anymore because it hurts more not to share and somehow the hurt soothes me.
I am a very passionate person. I hate like venom. I love like a child. I care like a mother. I cry like a baby.
I have a job. I am confident enough that I can make it to a decent university. I have the most wonderful family in the world and yet, I am very sad. I do not remember the last time I was happy.
With each passing day I turn closer to becoming a stone. I am getting there. I am proud of myself for not being dependent on the people that I used to bank on for my life.
I am scared.
I feel disgusting - unimportant - sick - low - depressed - pathetic - fucked up - lonely.
I am plunging into this bottomless hole of nowhere.
Am i dead?
OR
Is this a living?
I can be really unreasonable at times, things that do not consern me take up my mind and can bother me endlessly. Keep eating me up from inside and 'me' the wonderer,cant help but give food to these thoughts. Let them peturb me. Something similar happened two months back.
The reason I shall not discuss, but it was something that kept botherin me. Somehow I feel that it was linked to me, which maybe it is but persay. I could do without bothering about it. I'd really like to learn to deal with such situations. Maybe I have, but not learnt to deal with them but to live with them. I'v learnt to myself and not let them bother me so much..
But there are times, I cant let them not affect me. I get restless, uncomfortable. I know I could try talking to someone,but what do I say? and should I say? Am I being stupid and overreacting? Oh! God, whatever the solution, give it to me. Atleast I'd be peaceful for once in a long time. It just keeps nagging and nagging and nagging. (fucking things just dont stop suckin at my blood. ) Life sucks! Waiting for the lines from my forehead to vanish,atleast for now I'd be releived.
Life sucks completely. I hate everything that is happenin in it at the moment and I have no one but myself to blame for it. I am irristated, frustrated, stressed, depressed, irritable, uncomfortable, not well (this fucking cold just does not seem to leave me) There are times when I feel like simply leaving everything and running away. But, I know it would just keep following. The past whole year has probably been the worst year of my life. The effect just doesn't seem to end. Waiting for either god to get over with screwing my life or him giving me immenese amounts of patience to bere with it. There are people who make me uncomfortable, even the thought of them burns me up from inside. I hate something that remote being able to control my feelings. ( very good,to morbid) Dont believe me? Had I sat down to write this just 15mins back, it'd have been a very different post.
I HATE THIS.
Waiting for the spring of my life to reappear. For these days to end soon, for me to be stronger, more mature and sensible. I am trying to hold on, its slipping and the strings are going to snap any moment.
God makes you go through bad times, so you'd realise the value of good times. I beleive in this, it keeps me going. But how much longer?
