My body has developed its own immunity against soporific drugs. I have not been sleeping well lately and last night I just could not bear it so I took pills at about quarter to nine in the night. I was elated when I felt drowsy by about half past nine. So, I happily packed off to bed! Now the immunity I've developed cant stop me from feeling drowsy but it sends a weird sensation across my arms and limbs which makes it practically impossible for me to fall asleep. Its like an allergic reaction or something.
I fell into this weird state where I knew I was awake but kept getting nightmares, which incidentally felt very real! I just kept twirling in bed till about one when I finally sat up and massaged my legs cause they were aching in a funny way! I spent the next three and a half hours trying to get back to sleep cause now the effect of the drug had worn out so, I stopped getting that icky feeling in my arms and limbs. I just kept twirling in bed, clutching my pillow, covering myself with my sheet and then uncovering myself , turned over, lay on my back, on my left side, then right side, on my stomach, covered my face with my pillow, held onto my teddy bear. BUT NO SLEEP. At about four thirty, I heard my father walking around in the house, he goes for playing golf in the morning. He came and sat next to me as I pretended to sleep and then he kissed my forehead. I had to garner all the strength in my soul to stop myself from crying and to continue pretending to sleep.
Now I sit here writing as I can hear birds chirping and the dawn breaking outside my window.
I hate not being able to sleep. :(
What do you do when you have the world under your feet when you are happy and not one person (when I say not ONE, I don’t mean it figuratively) person to share your sadness? Not a single friend, not your boy friend, not your parents, your brother. No One. They lie in three categories.
- Who can’t see me sad, so they’d rather hang up on me crying or leave me until I am well, more handle-able instead of even trying to deal with me.
- Who I feel conscious in going up to since I feel too guilty knocking at their door each time I’m upset. It must be a chore for them, I don’t want them getting fed up and shifting to category one.
- Who I can’t go up to when I’m sad. What do you tell your parents or brother when you’re upset cause of other things in your life. They’d either lecture me about my wrong choices and priorities etc.. Or warn me how things could get worse if I continued with my life this way.
I feel I’m one of a kind when I am bad. I just have not learnt to handle it. I cry a lot, hug myself and cry more until I can fall asleep. I just don’t know how to divert my mind from it and act like nothing is wrong. Sadly, not one person understands my misery and I am left with one to go! Since crying is the easiest vent for my feelings (I basically cry a lot) it has become common place for the ones who "love" me. I wish I could be the same way when i see a sad face or hear a sad voice. Shades of inhuman-ness suddenly feels like a blessing rather than a curse. At least being happy at someone else's cost shall not feel so bad anymore!
The happiest faces you see in a crowd are the saddest ones at heart. I feel like I am one of those.
Fear, fear itself. My remarkably realistic mother always taught me this. Yet, I developed incomprehensible fears along the years.
I fear climbing stairs and even more so, climbing down them. Even slopes. I get an uncertain feeling all through the process, with the bottom of my feet feeling ticklish, like you do while swinging high on a swing. In that case your feet are off the ground, this is different and weird. I am always afraid of slipping off. My knees feel weak and uncertain.
I decided to know more about my phobia and found out that it is a common problem disconcerting scores of people across the world. Fear of stairs is created by the unconscious mind as a protective mechanism, relating to some trauma from the past. I do not recollect any such formidable incident relating stairs and my past.There are actually two kinds of stair-related 'phobias: bathmophobia (fear of stairs or steep slopes) and climacophobia (fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs). I can not decide which category I fall in. Probably both since I fear stairs and slopes and also I fear climbing down or falling off them.
Each time I climb down an intimidating flight of stairs, I fear the worst. This makes me very uncomfortable, daunting me from carrying out simple daily chores normally. I have tried keeping my mind off these thoughts and to overcome my fear. Someday, I hope to intrepidly walk down stairs and run down a slope!
I TRIED BEING NICE. I TRIED BEING OBLIVIOUS TOWARDS HER ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOUR.
I TRIED LIKING HER.
BUT I REALISE THAT ITS ALL GOING TO
EFFECT ME EVENTUALLY, SO NOT LIKING IT AND
UNWILLINGLY I HAD TO YEILD IN.
I HAD TO GIVE UP AND BOW MY HEAD IN ARTIFICIAL
RESPECT.* groan *
I HAVE NO CHOICE. I JUST DINT SEE
THE MISTRESS OF THE OBVIOUS.* humph *
GOD HELP, FOR I HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER.
DO I HAVE A CHOICE THAT I'M UNABLE TO SEE.
SHUN'T THE HAND I OFFERED BE GIVEN
SOME RESPONSE? SO I'D NOT LOSE HEART? * sigh *
THIS SUCKS!!
* karm kar phul ki chinta mat kar * (do your duty without keeping the fruits in mind) :
driving force??
Teach me god to control situations while they are under my control. Not to keep them pending till I have created a haywire for myself to get out of.
This is in regard with my studies/exams, my relationships (no lolly not neccessarily my boy friend) and my phone bill.
Yes,the third case is what has invoked me into writing this post.
Last month, I let my bill go out of hand and pledged to control. Yet, the need to use it empowers all my will, bloody shamelessly once again I stand just where i was at beginning of last month
* exhasperated! rolling of eyes! they're tending to burst out! *
I have again put myself into a situation where I can say "SCREWED" ,another month of bloody misery! Ikeep postponing my studies till the very end. No,the very very end. Manage to fare well but would do many folds better if only I wouldn't be a complete sloth.
Okay,now I pledge to study regularly,use my resources more wisely and not let my relationships take a backseat till my mind declares an emergency!
5 nights is the most that I've stayed up at a stretch. Were the worst five nights of my life. I had lost my sister. Damn I miss her so much. Lost her on the 19th of november 2004. I still remember postponing a call to her till the 20th. I had to scold her, " How could she have forgotten to wish me on my anniversary?"(18th) .
I would stay up thinkin about her, tryin to feel her presence,by feelin her clothes, trying to find her essence in the room that we used to share. Stay up all night talking. I'd sit on the couch in my room, where she used to sit and yak yak yak! :) . I vividly remember her sitting there and talking to me just five days before she left. I'd make imaginary conversations with her in my mind. I was like a personal diary to her. She mustave been the coolest elder sister in the world! Still dont know why she took that last decision of leaving a weeek earlier for college. She just did not listen to anybody. She tried talking to me. Why was I fucking busy? She called me before leaving, I was out.
I couldn't sleep, would I never really see her again? Somehow losing my grandparents had not been as tough. They were 75. Nanaji(grand father) had cancer. He was bed ridden, he was too ill and naniji(grand mother) had lost nanaji (reason enough for her to quit).
I never thought i'd be able to break this personal insomniac record of mine. But I'm almost there. This is the fifth night and no signs of sleep.
I just lay here feeling uncomfortable,peturbed to no extent (will this ever end? do ppl really get what I'm sayin? ), uneasy, neglected, unloved, restless, scared.
Sleep is to give your mind rest. your body can rest while you're awake and simply lying down. Dont know why but these extra sleepless nights are turning me crazy. Do I need help?
I just lay there,fooling myself,my parents (who ironically think I sleep a bit too much! since I put myself to bed early and get out of it late. So they would have to bere with this ugly, tired, tensed face that I come across everytime I look into the mirror as little as possible) .
I just can't get this. I have to get some sleep.
Oh god oh god oh god!
Every time I have exams. I end up wondering if I made the right choice by taking up the courses that I am persuing. When I am done with them, I am sure I made the right choice!! But why every time? This is one big problem with me. I am always not sure about the choices that I make. At the time I make them, like I wanted to buy a liner. Thought I'd check out the brush before buying. Made up my mind completely before leavin, at the store. I wasn't sure what kind of brush was I looking for?
When I go out to buy clothes, I am fascinated by the stuff there (I'd already decided what I needed to get! before coming) and completely completely go off track. End up buyin stuff that I wore for the first and the last time right there in the trial room! I am so bad at makin decisions!
I can be really unreasonable at times, things that do not consern me take up my mind and can bother me endlessly. Keep eating me up from inside and 'me' the wonderer,cant help but give food to these thoughts. Let them peturb me. Something similar happened two months back.
The reason I shall not discuss, but it was something that kept botherin me. Somehow I feel that it was linked to me, which maybe it is but persay. I could do without bothering about it. I'd really like to learn to deal with such situations. Maybe I have, but not learnt to deal with them but to live with them. I'v learnt to myself and not let them bother me so much..
But there are times, I cant let them not affect me. I get restless, uncomfortable. I know I could try talking to someone,but what do I say? and should I say? Am I being stupid and overreacting? Oh! God, whatever the solution, give it to me. Atleast I'd be peaceful for once in a long time. It just keeps nagging and nagging and nagging. (fucking things just dont stop suckin at my blood. ) Life sucks! Waiting for the lines from my forehead to vanish,atleast for now I'd be releived.
Life sucks completely. I hate everything that is happenin in it at the moment and I have no one but myself to blame for it. I am irristated, frustrated, stressed, depressed, irritable, uncomfortable, not well (this fucking cold just does not seem to leave me) There are times when I feel like simply leaving everything and running away. But, I know it would just keep following. The past whole year has probably been the worst year of my life. The effect just doesn't seem to end. Waiting for either god to get over with screwing my life or him giving me immenese amounts of patience to bere with it. There are people who make me uncomfortable, even the thought of them burns me up from inside. I hate something that remote being able to control my feelings. ( very good,to morbid) Dont believe me? Had I sat down to write this just 15mins back, it'd have been a very different post.
I HATE THIS.
Waiting for the spring of my life to reappear. For these days to end soon, for me to be stronger, more mature and sensible. I am trying to hold on, its slipping and the strings are going to snap any moment.
God makes you go through bad times, so you'd realise the value of good times. I beleive in this, it keeps me going. But how much longer?
My body has developed its own immunity against soporific drugs. I have not been sleeping well lately and last night I just could not bear it so I took pills at about quarter to nine in the night. I was elated when I felt drowsy by about half past nine. So, I happily packed off to bed! Now the immunity I've developed cant stop me from feeling drowsy but it sends a weird sensation across my arms and limbs which makes it practically impossible for me to fall asleep. Its like an allergic reaction or something.
