I feel differently about different people in different situations. I might be thinking something, but react ironically. I have countless troubling thoughts in my mind that govern my behavior which would have been different otherwise. I am a nice person, but become wretched at times because I have a good memory which is bad! I can not get over things easily.

I used to be very exuberant about my thoughts, my feelings. I was never shy, never afraid.

I beleived my feelings should reach the person they were meant for, absolutely unadultrated.* good as well as bad *
But, lately I've changed. I'm shy, lest one should find my feelings/thoughts unreasonable. I'm afraid, for what if I say too much and in return all I get is to be taken for granted?

I have gone into a lonely shell. I write, I write a lot. Rarely or never disclosing my thoughts at all. I do not/can not talk to people. Anybody. Tears are the only thing that make me vulnerable. I involuntarily let them abase me and speak my mind, invariably regretting doing so later on.

I have changed. I do not think I can ever be the me I'd loved so much.
caboodle mix :: , , edit post
8 Responses
  1. Atit Says:

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

    tunnia ... jus be you!!

  2. ira Says:

    Atit> Actually you are right, dont know why I'm trying to shrink away. Its hard, but I'm gonna try shine and liberate myself rather than give a damn about others. (I know I'm saying this. But living it will definitely be tougher)

    What if we try and do our best, but still learn to be on our own? Is it not good to be independent?

  3. Atit Says:

    tunnia rem. this quote

    " for all his bluster, its sad province of man that he cannot choose his triumph. He can only choose, how he will stand when the call of destiny occurs, hoping that he will have the courage to answer. "

    Ayn Rand defines it better ...

    To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I."

    there is a part of us, which is worth more than anything in this world. coz its you.

  4. ira Says:

    Thats the whole point, I miss the 'me',that the initial 18 years of my life had nurtured.

  5. Atit Says:

    it will come back...it has to...jus give it time ...

  6. Bruce Barton Says:

    When you're through changing, you're through.

    * i actually said dis

  7. Tiger Says:

    hmmm.... thoughtful post... guess everyone passes thru such phases!!! ull get over this.. but yeah! maybe ull never b the same old u! happens to all of us! :)

    give urself some time.... in fact lotsa time! n ull b back to the beautiful girl u are!

  8. ira Says:

    Tiger> I hope as much. Thanks.