I couldn't have felt more ashamed as I did when she looked at me with loathing in her eyes. I had sinned, for her I had. How could I be born to that womb and yet be so different, so shameless? I tried to reason, and I dropped further in my own eyes. Nothing could have made it better for her, nothing and I knew she's never forget this day of her life. I felt sick in my mind as I dreaded her telling baba. Maybe she wouldn't, but why wont she? And maybe, I wanted her to tell him, for how was I to look into those eyes again? I had never felt deeper remorse in my life.

I became numb and hated the pain easing, I wanted it to hurt. I had hurt her, disappointed her after all that she'd done for me, to understand me beyond her will I had let her down. I realised I'd gained my feelings about trust from her, about being unable to reform them once they'd broken. I had broken the crystal vase of her trust and I knew nothing I said could amend it.

As I lay there distraught, tears trickling down my cheeks he stood a good distance away from me. I would run into his arms for nothing else mattered, but he just stood there reprimanding me on my foolishness. I am arrogant I am for I backfired stinging him. I knew I was being unreasonable but isn't he the only one who could understand? I stabbed him again with my sharp tongue and he rebuked. I felt good for at least someone was punishing me although unknowingly.

I realised how badly I needed him but would not say. Why would I have to beg each time? Why cant I for once be given the honor of being understood although unspoken I stood glaring at him, blaming him for being him. For being the only one who could sooth but who wouldn't do so without me having to say! Ah! maybe if I cried louder or hurt myself he'd listen to the unspoken woes? Then creeps in the ghosts of my howling self as I listen to it like a stranger crying in a far away land. I wait for him to come forth, take me in his arms and cradle me hushing me whispering into my ear that everything will be fine.

I just saw him standing staring into my eyes, as I feared he might see through the pretense. How should I be blamed if it were one most desired longing I craved? How should I be blamed for dripping out my soul leaving it naked all bare! For every being deserves a balm for the heart? Why should I have to trip so low to be but just loved by him? Maybe its the sins I committed that I'm paying back for. Maybe I'm cursed to be loved and not know or maybe I should make peace with the woes.
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Updates: Anant got through University of California at Irvine and he plans to go there(most probably) :D Man, this feels like heaven! Looks like someone out there either wants us to fight our heads off or he really wants us to finally be close to each other after 5years of being in a long distance relationship!! His place is 47miles from mine! :D Cant stop smiling!

Can't stop day dreaming either!!

Have finalized on an apartment with two other girls. I dint plan this but they are both keralites!! (they belong to a state in India, Kerela. I belong to the same place, although not completely. My mum's a Rajasthani!). Its so strange how these co-incidences happen with me! My best friend in Junior High was a mallu(slang for keralites),Freya! My best friend in high school was a mallu, Aparna! My best friend in college is a Mallu, Sunaina! and now these two, Asilia and Anee!!

One thing in common amongst all these people are that they're very unlike typical orthodox Mallu's and are the very opposite of what you'd normally expect them to be! Which is what I'm like..So, gels well! :)
caboodle mix :: , , , , , , , , 9 reflections | edit post
Got through University of Southern California! :D My college would be in Los Angeles! Most probably its final that I'm going! They mailed me on the 25th but stupid me had lost hope so stopped checking my mail....! as a result of which I got to know a week later!!! Anyways, alls good! :)

Have exams from day after..Haven't had time to read any blogs! Have loads to catch up after 15th (thats when my exams get over).

Anant was in town last week, so no pre-exam preparation done!!

Lemme know if you know ppl in LA
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