Somehow New Year's Eve holds a very special place in my heart. I like spending it with my family and with Anant. As luck should have it we've never been together on this night ever since our first year together.i.e Welcome 2004.

2005: His sister wanted to be in town(Delhi, where we all live) so he opted to stay back in Indore(where his college is) to get both of them registered for their New Semester in College.

2006: We were both in town but since it would've been the last year that they(his family) spent with his sister (since she was going for her Grad abroad and then would probably be married), it was up to her to decide where she wanted to celebrate. Somehow it was only on the 31st that she decided where to go. By then my parents had made other plans, so we couldn't make it together.

2007: He was in town till the 16th, but left for college. He spent New Years with his friends with me on the phone all grumpy about not having him with me!

2008: He's out at Goa partying with his friends and I've pledged not to be grumpy again. Though I feel awful for not having him here with me. Almost in tears..Well, I'll be a good girl and not ruin things for him at least..

So, here's wishing all of you a fabulous year ahead...! Hope it rocks and all your worries from the past vanish with the clock striking twelve tonight! :)

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1. My brother is a perfect boy friend, he is very possessive about his girl. He can instruct me about how I should talk to her/deal with her/treat her. But can never do the same with her cause she might feel bad. If all three of us are together, he will expect me to understand if the whole of his attention is diverted towards her for she is new to our family and should feel comfortable. He can easily ask me to leave if he’s talking to her over the phone. I should understand, they are after all seeing each other, they deserve the privacy. About me feeling bad, well it is out of the question.

My boy friend is a perfect brother, he is very possessive about his sister. He can instruct me about how to talk to her or deal with her/treat her. But can never do the same with her cause she might feel bad. . If all three of us are together, he will expect me to understand if the whole of his attention is diverted towards her for I am new to the family and she might feel awkward if he pays more attention towards me than her. He can easily ask me to hang up if we’re talking and his sister happens to enter the room. I should understand, she is after all his sister, she might feel awkward. About me feeling bad, well it is out of the question.
I understand how both of them feel. I dont like being the one who has to understand.

2. I have become very quite generally. My family thinks I have grown into the stage where I feel more comfortable talking/discussing with people my age. E.g. with my boyfriend. They believe me to be very attached to him and quite dependent on him. When I am upset, they assume I’ll be ok in a while. I’ll talk it out with Anant after all he’s my boy friend, I must be comfortable discussing all sorts of things with him, if not with them.

My boy friend is a very independent person. He expects me not to be dependent on anybody. He is very attached with his family and assumes me to be ok when we have fought etc… after all I have my family to bank on. He likes being on his own when he is upset, I hence do not feel too comfortable going up to him when I am upset cause I feel he wont understand my need to talk right then.
I hate being on my own when I am upset, too lonely to describe.

3. I have few friends in college. Most of them have left and are working. Well, the ones in college think I am too attached to my other friends so maybe that’s why I do not talk too much or share stuff with them. They think I am too busy with other chores because of which I do not spend time with them.

The ones who are working think I have friends in college and of course my school friends as well, so maybe that’s why I do not talk too much with them or share stuff with them. They think I am too busy with other chores because of which I do not spend time with them.

The ones from school are very attached with their college friends and have their own lives. They assume I am attached with my friends from college and that’s why do not talk too much with them or share stuff with them. They think I am too busy with other chores because of which I do not spend time with them.
I miss my sister who is no more and my sister who lives out of town, whom I get to meet once a year.

4. I share a weird relationship with my brother. He usually takes me for granted cause I am four years younger to him. We are hardly friends cause he has always been an elder brother figure for me. At times he is very rude with me, but I cant really complain about it, whom should I complain to?

I share a very strange relationship with my boy friend, it is too formal. I usually do not discuss family troubles with him cause he would NEVER discuss stuff about his family, so it would obviously be weird if I did.
I wish neither of the above were true, sadly both are.

5. I am applying to universities for my masters next year. My family thinks I am applying cause Anant is applying too.

Anant would be ARE-YOU-OUT-OF-YOUR-MIND if he got to know this.

I think I am applying cause I want to be on my own and I really want to do this.
AM I over reacting or is my life really screwed?
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Lord Ganesha, adorned with five earthen lamps (diyas).

Entrance of the house, lit up with diyas.

Another angle.

From the front.

Festival of lights. The house is decorated with diyas and the doors and windows are left open in goddess Lakshmi's (goddess of wealth, light, wisdom, the lotus flower and fortune, and secondarily of luck ) welcome.

caboodle mix :: 9 reflections | edit post

Its that time of the year again, I can see the autumn slipping past and the cold cold winter approaching. Ahh.. I hate winters. I hate having to wear all those layers of clothes! I hate waking up in the morning with my feet still cold! I hate the shiver down my spine as I pour the first drops of water on me (when I'm bathing)! And the godforsaken cold! Once I get it, it won’t leave me till the end of winters!! It seems to have taken hours out of my day. I hate walking home in the dark, its just 6pm!!

Suddenly, the room I love spending time in seems cold and dingy. I get no sun light in my room, which works fine for three-quarters of the year but right now it makes me feel morose. Here's a clip of my wallpaper!! Just want to keep the fall alive somehow!!

I admit I get to eat all my favorite fruits in winters! And, I dont have to get my legs waxed for the next four months!!! :) I love looking at my dog all puffed up, curled comfortably in his bed as I try tugging my feet beneath his stomach!

I love the steaming cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I like playing with the dew collected on the glass of my window! I like the birds chirping in my back yard, trying to take shelter inside my mother's green house.

Crap, its not so bad afterall! But, I still-like-summers-better! *adamant kid with arms propped on sides!*
My brother's getting engaged on the 21st!

I'm going to have one week of tests, one week of internal practical, one week of external practical. Just got one free week this month! :( I've still not completed my project!!

Oh! Happy Diwali!! I spent most of last night painting diyas! They somehow don’t look as pretty as I'd imagined! :D Mum made me spruce up the whole house. Keep this here, put that away, clean your cupboard!

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After several unsuccessful attempts at trying to write a post about things in specific, I shall resort to penning arbitrary even incomplete thoughts. Please bear with me I just have to write!

I make it a point to watch the movie after having read the book. Never have I found a movie doing justice to its text counterpart. It must be really frustrating for the author. Since, what one has watched is bound to carry a deeper impression than what one has read. I'm reading "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho. He apparently does not approve of movies of books being made either.
'I believe that each reader creates his own film inside his head, gives faces to the characters, constructs every scene, hears the voices, smells the smells. And that is why whenever a reader goes to see a film based on a novel that he likes, he leaves feeling disappointed, saying " The book is so much better than the film."‘

I read "The Namesake" a while back and watched the movie. Not cause I do not trust my imagination but cause I was curious to see another person's interpretations of the various scenes that I had so tastefully created in my mind. Never the less, I was disappointed. The only segment that stuck to me was a song from the movie. That, I had not fashioned in my personal movie version of the book!
When I read a book or watch a movie, I am usually not affected by it. I cannot stop myself from contemplating about what I read (or watched) though. In "The Zahir" his (the author's) wife believes that no one is really happy. They are either pretending to be. Or dodge from answering the question. She shifts to a war zone for she believes that it is the only place where people are close to being happy since they are the ones who truly value life. They do not have the privilege of being sad since they know that what they have this moment could all be gone in the very next instant.

I am not happy. Not to say that I am sad. I am just not happy (not happy is not equal to unhappy). Given that I have no reason to be sad; life is normal, I'm doing fine in college, I've got a job, I intend to study further I should be. But, I am not. I am quieter than usual, my demeanor suggests that I am calm but my mind is restive. I'm looking for something, what I do not know. I get the feeling that maybe this is where I search for the purpose of my life. I do not believe that I have one sole purpose. Though, I should be doing something, which is more meaningful. What bother’s me is that I am not driven towards anything in particular. Every action, every movement seems mechanical.

I have to apply to universities by the end of this month. Finally made the first draft of my SoP (statement of purpose). Have lots more to do. I'm progressing fine.

I had been searching for a song over the net (the same one I saw in "The Namesake", the movie!) A very old friend managed to retrieve it and gifted it to me for my birthday. Felt good!

Snapshots Courtesy: Urjit.
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Had a long long day! Mum is out of town and suddenly everyone seems to be aware that there is another twenty one year old lady in the house who should be able to manage things. I now know that its not easy for my mother to handle a home and her work as efficiently as she does! I did a sloppy job of being pseudo mommy for the first of four (I sense its going to seem longer) days!

The curd was too sour
The dog was not given food on time
There are no fruits for tomorrow
The kitchen is all dirty
House is messy
Water bottles(for keeping in the fridge) not filled
No dry towels in the bathroom

I am dead tired and ready to drop. Somehow finished writing blood sucking project report and I'm going to be out. Lets see how I fair tomorrow.

Arghhh... I feel pukish. Hope I'm not gonna be ill!

caboodle mix :: , , 10 reflections | edit post
I discovered that:

.... I do not trust anybody with my feelings. It is nobody's obligation to make you happy.

.... A mammoth setback can get me right back onto track. Its not the best way to teach me a lesson, but apparently works very well.

.... A long drive and total solitude do wonders for when I'm low.

This could not be happening to her, Oh! God! but, it was true. Why her? She would never understand. She needed to go some place where she could get it all out.
Tears rolled down her cheeks even before she bolted the door behimd her, splashing onto her t'shirt across her long eyelashes. She started typing an incoherent text on her mobile not knowing whom it was for, pouring out her story like a child. Typing between choking sobs. When it was done, she was calmer. Who would she send this to? What would she say? She deleted the message with a fresh burst of tears. As if the delete button refreshed the pain along with wiping away what she had written.
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Finally my new room is ready and I love it!

Thats my father's tummy sticking out in the second pic! :)
caboodle mix :: 10 reflections | edit post
I am a very weak person when it comes to handling emotions. I do not joke when I say that my body aches when I am hurt. I can relate to the term "heart ache". I resort to making my self unconscious when I am that way. May it be by sleeping off by having pills or getting myself drunk to the limit that I can feel no more.

I do not deny that I am hurting while I write this. I have tried streching all limits within me. I have locked myself up, emotionally.

I hurt myself so I do not feel the pain that these emotions bring to me. I can still feel the blood sticking to my sleeves when I slit my wrists again and again that night, till I could feel no more. Its been seven months. I hate to admit, it made me feel better. I hate to admit that the pain soothed me. I hate to admit I do not share my feelings anymore because it hurts more not to share and somehow the hurt soothes me.

I am a very passionate person. I hate like venom. I love like a child. I care like a mother. I cry like a baby.

I have a job. I am confident enough that I can make it to a decent university. I have the most wonderful family in the world and yet, I am very sad. I do not remember the last time I was happy.

With each passing day I turn closer to becoming a stone. I am getting there. I am proud of myself for not being dependent on the people that I used to bank on for my life.

I am scared.
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Training is coming to an end. College starts next week. I have decided to leave the hostel, so the next year is going to be about a lot of travelling, applying for jobs and staying at home of course! Maybe applying to universities as well. The house is almost complete too (it was being renovated). Chosing what colour to do the walls being the frequent topic of discussion at home!

I have to focus on preparing for the campus placements.

Next few weeks are going to be highlighted with a lot of change!
Feeling at peace.
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I dont care what you think.

I dont care how you feel.

I dont care do I?

Hurt, very hurt. Having to hear all that from someone you hope would care hurts.
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1. I read magazines, last page first.

2. I dispose trash only in dustbins.Not coming across one, I can carry it along endlessly.

3. I think a lot. A LOT.

4. On being offered chocolates, I decline stating, "I do not like chocolates". Truth being, I just defer indulging in them.

5. I never waste. (food, water, paper, anything)

6. I tell myself "I am weird" atleast seven times a day on an average!

7. I smile at strangers, even greet them if a chord strikes.

8. I used to be a talkative, exhuberant and excited doer. I have become a quiet, subdued and calm observer.

PS: I had been tagged by
Sam for this entry.

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Green lush lawn with one of its edges walking into a natural lake. This beauty encompassed by a walking track made by simply covering it with red sand. Little flower beds at abstract locations and absurd shapes giving it a very natural and yet a very well kept look. Earthen seats (never seen those before!) made for people to rest on and a small hut in the center for the caretaker who is by the way very particular about keeping the place just the way he pleases. Which by the look of it is pretty much perfect.

I go there only after dark, it just adds to the magic! At that hour, I have it completely to myself. I take my dog along with me since the comfort of sharing silence comes naturally with him. Walk along the track with my thoughts flowing unrestrictedly across my mind. It feels great to be able to hear my own thoughts, to think aloud. With tuff running around me excitedly. Occassionally I stop to play with him and then get on with my walking. He just fools around near by taking care not to lose site of me at any point. I let him run around freely.

Suddenly I hear him run towards me as he decided to walk next to me for a while. We take a few rounds together and then he pushes off on his quest for exploring all nooks and crannies. I plug in my ipod and listen to all my favorite tracks. Keeping it low so I can hear the noises around me as well.

Got back home all drenched in sweat, looking very happy and satisfied.

How do you like spending time alone?
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1. Wake up in the morning with my dog sitting next to me, staring at me, waiting for me to wake up!

2. Too sleepy to get up, I turn on the television to find out that all offices will be closed for the day!

3. Step into my old forgotten pair of jeans to find money crumpled in the pocket!

4. After a bad day at work, on my way home I turn on the radio and my favorite number just started!

5. Waking up to a beautiful morning, drizzling outside and my sweetheart lying next to me!

6. I over slept! Oh! No, its sunday! I can sleep another few hours!

7. My best friend turns up out of the blue!

8. Reach home after a long day to find my parents singing, giggling having a good time!

9. Just when I am irritated/sad/tensed and on the verge of cracking up, I get a call from my sweetheart.

10. A nice cup of coffee!

11. Last day to submit that blessed assignment and the professor hasn't turned up!

12. The preparation leave for exams just got mysteriously extended!

13. Tuning through radio stations and an old friend requested a song for me!

14. That SOB polititian had to resign!

15. Rain

16. Falling alseep in Anant's arms, while he runs his fingers through my hair, my cheek!

17. Being looked after selflessly by someone I cherish, when I'm ill.

18. Going out on vacations with Anant.

19. Long drives.(at night!)

20. Train journeys!

So, what are your Instant Cheer-Ups?


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Tubthumping :Chumbawamba!!

Your Body Is Wonderland : John Mayor (at 19!)

Iris: Goo Goo Dolls (City Of Angles, lovely movie!)

Remember When : Alan Jackson (The Notebook, my favorite movie!)

Always: Jon Bon Jovi (We ball danced on this one, sharing the ear peices of my ipod! :) )

So Far Away: Dire Straits (nostalgia remains!)

Tell me about your favorites that bring a smile to your face inevitably, each time you hear them.

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Haven't gone to office since the past three days. Hoping against hope I gather the strength to get up early and go tommorow! :) Meanwhile, I did something very productive today, learnt to make paper mache from 'Art Attack' and made a night lamp for my room! Spent an hour taking pictures of it in the dark, with the light on, in daylight, from all possible angles!! I am quite proud of it!

Now is the time to decide whether to join back the hostel for the coming semester or not. I had previously decided to discontinue my stay in the hostel. But I fear losing the freedom to spend time with myself that I have become used to and can not do without. I like being on my own and do little things like sit at the computer, read a book, think, listen to music, watch a movie or do other stuff. Nothing very significant, pretty mundane but all the same I have missed being able to do all that over the summer. (I am working from home)

The other day, I was glued to a book and did nothing else the whole day. All my mother's attempts at trying to talk to me or get me to do something were returned by hostile stares or irritated grunts and sighs! I hate someone intruding while I am reading or doing stuff which I enjoy doing alone. I also noticed that I like having my dog around me during such times. Guess its something about human presence or maybe still about the comfort of sharing silence. This is completely in contrast to what I used to be like. Ironically, this is the way I like it!

Do you like doing crafty stuff? How do you like spending your time?

PS: Updated the post since thoughts relating the same kept streaming through my mind all night long.
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Fear, fear itself. My remarkably realistic mother always taught me this. Yet, I developed incomprehensible fears along the years.

I fear climbing stairs and even more so, climbing down them. Even slopes. I get an uncertain feeling all through the process, with the bottom of my feet feeling ticklish, like you do while swinging high on a swing. In that case your feet are off the ground, this is different and weird. I am always afraid of slipping off. My knees feel weak and uncertain.

I decided to know more about my phobia and found out that it is a common problem disconcerting scores of people across the world. Fear of stairs is created by the unconscious mind as a protective mechanism, relating to some trauma from the past. I do not recollect any such formidable incident relating stairs and my past.

There are actually two kinds of stair-related 'phobias: bathmophobia (fear of stairs or steep slopes) and climacophobia (fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs). I can not decide which category I fall in. Probably both since I fear stairs and slopes and also I fear climbing down or falling off them.

Each time I climb down an intimidating flight of stairs, I fear the worst. This makes me very uncomfortable, daunting me from carrying out simple daily chores normally. I have tried keeping my mind off these thoughts and to overcome my fear. Someday, I hope to intrepidly walk down stairs and run down a slope!
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My first day in office. This is just an eight weeks intern, even still I woke up with butterflies in my stomach! Got my office bag ready, which got quite stuffed. * "I might need this!" , "I might need this too!" ! * Wore something suave and comfortable, considering the sereing whether and the first impression on my boss! Prayed to god before leaving as my mother smeared my forehead with Holy Ash .

I was just about to leave when it started raining cats and dogs. I wanted to struggle my way to office by travelling in public transport * An abscure inexplicable notion in my head about savoring things more by earning them the hard way! *. Well, driving down on my own had to do, which was a nice one and a half hour's travel. All attempts of keeping self dry were defeated by the half a mile walk from the parking till my office * I like saying, " My Office" *!

Somehow struggled into the compound. I was doused, but my spirits were still high. A visit to the rest room and dabbing myself with countless tissues helped gain back composure (exterior).

I had to get my identification card made, without which I could enter the premises but would not be allowed inside the office! It required for me to submit a photograph and my details with proof. Darn! Something just had to go wrong. "Oh! No! wait, I got a photograph! and a copy of my PAN Card." See, stuffing that office bag did help afterall!

Nothing very productive done at the work front, just familiarising with work and the place. Spent time at the office library too! My favourite place in the building. Looking forward to tomorrow.

Tell me about your first days??
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Just got over with my exams which seemed to have been going on for ever! Well now I am free! Have a list of movies to catch up with! Got three days, after which my interns start. * groan *

I have to reload my ipod since I am extremely bored of the present collection. Have to keep myself pepped up while am in office! :) I had been going for my exams with a friend, loved his pool of music. Had asked him to load my ipod, but he keeps forgetting. Now its time to go home!

All my friends from hostel left today. I have another year to go before college finishes. Life is going to be so much different without them. Everything from getting up in the morning, to eating, going out to sleeping, we did together! I am gonna try and make the best of things. Afterall we will stay in touch. I am going to miss them crazy though! :) I love them so much! Anywhere felt like home with them!

Just got back from farewell lunch! Got drunk like crazy last to last night! Clasped onto my stomach and rolled on the floor laughing, looking at the videos! (literally) Thank god! one of us decided to remain sober, just in case!! :D

Had an insane bout of crying, laughing crying ........ for over an hour last night! Again, could not stop laughing, looking at the videos! Is this what being hysterical is?! I guess its easier not to think about whats going to happen. It is bound to happen anyways, right?

Anant is coming tomorrow, have loads to plan.
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  • I have learnt that you learn most by being silent and just observing things around you. Rebelling is not really a solution especially when you know that not anything you say would bring even a miniscule of a change. Artificial submission, though a sign of pandering I have realized is an easy way out. I would not advise you to resort to it. Nevertheless, I do that.

    I am not headstrong, in the sense that I do not expect others to yield to my beliefs. At the same time, I do not change mine just because I did not fit well into a situation. I have realized that I am a difficult person, which is quite apparent from the very few people I talk to. In addition, I simply recede back into my shell the moment I go into the verge of becoming intolerable. Reason: I do not have the strength to argue plus I do not want to become intolerable to the few people that I speak with. In the real sense, I have become a recluse but not so much for those who look from the outside.

    I have realized that because of all this I am not myself most of the times while interacting even with those whom I am supposedly much attached with.

  • Very insignificant things can trigger a stream of memories. Nothing too obvious, any arbitrary thought, incedent, an object, a song, or a person. It does not necessarily have to make you sad. It can at the same time be much unexpected.
  • I have learnt not to count on anything/anyone. The few times that I did count on someone, I was disappointed. I shamelessly even let the person know, how I was disappointed! Of course to my disadvantage. It’s OK to disappoint someone, but its rude to be told how disappointing you are!
  • I have started living in a one-man world. I realize I have used phrases like "thank you" , "I am sorry" , "please" on more than a single occasion, not only with my boyfriend but also with my parents! I find that very awkward because I do not expect a loved one's conversation with me to be aided with such linguistic formal tools. I am not so sure I meant them (the phrases) each time. I have to (use them), so I would not be rude or hurt them.
  • I find the most unadulterated bliss in my solitude. I admit, it is not easy for me to be on my own. To keep things in my heart, I feel burdened. When I do not get answers to the questions beleaguering my mind, I get restless. I feel afraid to reveal my thoughts on such occasions, since that would make me intolerable. When it gets out of control, I just have to talk it out. I have been asked to "SHUT UP" on such an occasion. I shall try and take myself to unearthed limits from now on before I take to outside help *outside=not me*.
  • I do not smile as much as I used to. The most genuine smiles are revealed when I am alone!


    PS: I do not blame anybody for who I am and what I have become. If anything, I am thankful. I just did not see it coming, because of which it is secretly not welcome.
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It was around an hour past midnight. She was five years old, peacefully sleeping. Probably dreaming about a compliment her teacher had given her in class! Her father was watching the ball game, just a few more overs to go.

Suddenly he saw a figure moving around in the kids room, near the window. He picked up the sword hidden under the mattress (He was posted in the east where every officer was given a sword, just incase you came across a wild animal) and moved stealthily towards the room, through the other entrance so he'd catch the intruder off gaurd. He moves a bit closer, and realises the figure was much smaller than he'd anticipated.

It was dark, he could barely see. Another step closer, and the sight in front confounded him. It wasn't any intruder trying to harm his children, it was a monkey! * A monkey inside the house!? * A few more steps, and the site that awaited him, was one that he'd never forget in his life!

She was clambering up the window, supported by the rods. He was in a fix. He'd read, not to wake up a person walking in his sleep. But, the site in front really baffled him. He never knew! After a while, she started climbing down. He just stood there watching silently. She picked up a chair, kept it on one half of the bed and lied down on the other half and slept off! * ???? *

He waited to see if she got up again. Then kept the chair back, and returned. The match was over.
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  1. Two things that are most striking about me:
  • 1. I think a lot.
  • 2. I have an exceptionally good memory.
The more I indulge in the former powered by the latter, I fear I would drown into the hollowness surrounding me. I fear getting lost in this labyrinth of thoughts of mine.

Am I going to fast ? or is life running past me? Either ways, I cant seem to get a hold.

Feeling: dazed

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My family is going through a phase. The more I muse about the same, I realise how living for over twenty years with my parents was not enough for me to know them completely.

I always thought they were not good at adapting to changes. I realise I was wrong, they are on the contrary, very resilient.

I always thought they would be apprehensive about me taking big decisions, especially ones with which they did not concede. On the other hand, they tried to understand the reasons behind me taking the decision and now they are actually quite encouraging about the same!

I ditested them on all the occassions when I was stopped from doing something. I used to feel that they simply exploited their right of being elder to me. Again, I realise how wrong I was and how my own good was hidden behind their decisions. How in my craze to do what I felt like, I would go blind and not understand my benefit behind their decision.

I realise I was foolish. I realise, I have been unfair on more than just one occassions to them. I have to make up to them. But, even saying this makes me loathe myself. How can I imagine repaying back anything to them?

I am sure there are many new pages to this book that I am yet to explore (I realise). I used to carp about not being understood, I found out I was the one who had to see more clearly.
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When I am bad, "I" handle myself the best.

I find bliss in my solitude.

Nobody but "I" seems to understand me.

I enjoy my own company the most.

I find myself talking more and more to myself.

I laugh when I am hurt.

A shoulder to cry on?
I prefer resting my burdens on my own knees,
wiping my tears against my own arms.

I have learnt to tell myself that there will be a brighter tomorrow.

I think I am getting more accustomed to the "real world".
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She cries out loud, shouts to her throat's might. Because no one can hear and no one seems to care. The weird shrilly noise aggravates into loud weeping marked with acerbity and tears start flowing. The night is so cold,almost chilly. The tear drops burning against her cheeks. She starts weeping uncontrollably. What had seemed to be anger had turned into immense sadness and was flowing out.

She suddenly felt weak. Her legs gave up on her and she fell on her knees. It hurt, but the pain felt good. She sat down, on the terrace floor. Her new best friend since the past few weeks. Sitting required too much energy. She lied down, not caring.

Her face resting on the ground. The tears mixed with the dust, sodding her face.Slowly she convinced herself into stop crying. Breathing heavily against the rough ground,she shifted a bit,bruising her face. She took deep long breaths. Then, not knowing what triggered it,she burst into tears once again. She had an exam the next day, end semister. Not even half way through with her aimed syllabus (completing it was out of the question).

She had to get up. She just had to pull herself together. She tried standing up, just in vain. Realising that baby steps was what she'd have to take. She sat down again. Pulled her knees close to her body, hugging them as tightly as she could. Resting her head on them. Weeping softly. She felt helpless. She would not let this happen. She looked at her watch, which was a blurr cause her tears blinded her vision. It was two in the morning. She sighed deeply, wiping her tears off her face and looked into the dark night for what felt like a lifetime.
caboodle mix :: , , 2 reflections | edit post

Can't buy it, cant find it, can't look for it,no one can help you get it.
Lies within you. Its for you to discover!
caboodle mix :: , 5 reflections | edit post
The summer is finally out. Feels so good to be back into my torn pair of shorts and tee's!!! Its beautiful. The day is longer, prettier. The early sunset used to make me feel gloomy.. It drizzled in the morning.. The grass still gleaming with raindrops..

I feel good... I feel good!!

I was out,lingering around the stairs. She walked upto me and said, "The marks won't go you know". I snapped back my hands close to my body as a reflex. How could I have forgotten? How could I be so stupid? * eyebrows curling up immediately * I looked down,at my toes and replied "How do you know? " * very uncomfortable and reluctant to make this conversation * Then she showed, there they were . Looked familiar. Felt sick.

We've been living together since the past two years, and I had no clue that she'd gone through such a phase when all doors were closed for her. When she had no one who could help her. That drove her to those measures of insanity. I felt ashamed. Then I noticed her looking around, probably thinking the same.

I realised I deplored the sickening impulsive decision, I'd taken that night. I wanted to tell her the same. But could not even look into her eyes straight. You feel like its the end of the world but its not. I have to be more sensible, stronger,less sensitive. I held her hand and took a deep breath,feeling her relaxing as well. Felt like puppets being made to enact two versions of the same play! I promised never to do it. Made her do the same. * glad this happened *
caboodle mix :: , , 7 reflections | edit post

I am definitely not a morning person. I do not mind getting up early.. but usually prefer lazing around for a while before I'm up and about.

I got up at 6:30 *which is pretty early for my standards*. Got out of bed within 5 minutes. It was raining outside. It was beautiful! Put on my keats and out for a jog. * me and sunnu *

I love jogging in the rain.

With the wind blowing gently against my face. Rain drops falling on my face. It was magical! Fooled around with a few excercises I know and then did yoga. Got a head massage from sunnu :). I feel so good! Its a beautiful morning outside and so far its been nothing but perfect!

Getting up should not be so tough afterall!
caboodle mix :: , , 2 reflections | edit post
I feel differently about different people in different situations. I might be thinking something, but react ironically. I have countless troubling thoughts in my mind that govern my behavior which would have been different otherwise. I am a nice person, but become wretched at times because I have a good memory which is bad! I can not get over things easily.

I used to be very exuberant about my thoughts, my feelings. I was never shy, never afraid.

I beleived my feelings should reach the person they were meant for, absolutely unadultrated.* good as well as bad *
But, lately I've changed. I'm shy, lest one should find my feelings/thoughts unreasonable. I'm afraid, for what if I say too much and in return all I get is to be taken for granted?

I have gone into a lonely shell. I write, I write a lot. Rarely or never disclosing my thoughts at all. I do not/can not talk to people. Anybody. Tears are the only thing that make me vulnerable. I involuntarily let them abase me and speak my mind, invariably regretting doing so later on.

I have changed. I do not think I can ever be the me I'd loved so much.
caboodle mix :: , , 8 reflections | edit post
I feel disgusting - unimportant - sick - low - depressed - pathetic - fucked up - lonely.

I am plunging into this bottomless hole of nowhere.

Am i dead?
Is this a living?
caboodle mix :: , , , 0 reflections | edit post