What do you do when you have the world under your feet when you are happy and not one person (when I say not ONE, I don’t mean it figuratively) person to share your sadness? Not a single friend, not your boy friend, not your parents, your brother. No One. They lie in three categories.

  1. Who can’t see me sad, so they’d rather hang up on me crying or leave me until I am well, more handle-able instead of even trying to deal with me.
  2. Who I feel conscious in going up to since I feel too guilty knocking at their door each time I’m upset. It must be a chore for them, I don’t want them getting fed up and shifting to category one.
  3. Who I can’t go up to when I’m sad. What do you tell your parents or brother when you’re upset cause of other things in your life. They’d either lecture me about my wrong choices and priorities etc.. Or warn me how things could get worse if I continued with my life this way.

I feel I’m one of a kind when I am bad. I just have not learnt to handle it. I cry a lot, hug myself and cry more until I can fall asleep. I just don’t know how to divert my mind from it and act like nothing is wrong. Sadly, not one person understands my misery and I am left with one to go! Since crying is the easiest vent for my feelings (I basically cry a lot) it has become common place for the ones who "love" me. I wish I could be the same way when i see a sad face or hear a sad voice. Shades of inhuman-ness suddenly feels like a blessing rather than a curse. At least being happy at someone else's cost shall not feel so bad anymore!

The happiest faces you see in a crowd are the saddest ones at heart. I feel like I am one of those.

caboodle mix :: , , , , 18 reflections | edit post
I am now officially a worthless-internet-whiler. I compulsively log into the net everyday at around 8pm start off with checking my mail, orkut, blog, other mail, Anant's mail(he's out of town) and then, well, I re-check my mail! God-forbid I might have missed a mail that got transferred to the spam! I then try and do something worthwhile by reading interesting articles on the net. I have realized that I am very-bad at finding interesting stuff to read and unless someone directs me towards something eye-catching, I am well, still whiling away time!
I could easily blame it on many things!
1) I am anxiously waiting for universities to reply to my applications. They have been with them for over a month for Christ's sake.
2) I have too much free time on my hands! too much I say. Apart from having a four-day-week(three out of which are three-hour-days!), I have not yet started my project which should occupy most of my time once I do.
Each free-day, I decide to pay a visit to the nearby orphanage so I can talk to the authorities about giving free tuitions to the children, I end up not going. I just don't understand it, its definitely not cause I'm lazy.NO. I got up early, got dressed and even readied my CV just in case they might want to see. I am just apprehensive cause once I go there, I'd be responsible for the education of children who do not deserve to be taken for granted any more. I am afraid I might disappoint them once my project starts. Yet, I cant seem to rest. I really want to meet them, spend time with them and teach them. Well, having said that, I have decided that I shall go there at 10am come-what-may.
So where was I? Yes, I've been wasting away too much time doing nothing on the internet. Like I already said, I am bad at finding quality stuff to read (I have actually googled "current affairs" , "whats new" & "consumer electronics"!), I asked a friend for interesting links. She directed me to a very unconventional photo-blog. I have never been more gripped by someones posts as this and read three years of her hard work glued to the PC in two straight hours! Only once before have I done this with a blog which (I shall resort to Sandi's jargon) belonged to SHE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED (at least not on my blog!). I found Kay's work phenomenal! I'm pasting the comment I left on her blog after reading over 250 posts and being totally over whelmed by them!
I was whiling away my time viewing worthless sites when at the brim of boredom, a friend gave me the link to your blog.I have spent the past two hours reading each and every post in your blog and was tempted to comment at many junctures but the anxiety of reading the next post over-powered the temptation.I have never seen a better photo blog and loved your concept of three photographs, also I love the analogies you give them. They were hilarious at times and on others were very thought provoking. I have never met a more passionate Pakistani or such a positive person as you. Not one post culminated negatively. I loved the way you've talked about your lovely family!
May this blog go on for ever!
PS:may I put you on my blog roll?
caboodle mix :: , , , 10 reflections | edit post