tunia
Since April last year my hair have grown from a silly bob that lingered around my ear lobes to a silky long stream of brownish black curls brushing the upper edge of my waste line! This is the fastest they've ever grown and I love all the compliments I get when I let them lose! Every time they brush against my arm, they give me a high! :)

My days have turned into a restless turmoil as I keep fearing the worst regarding my university applications. I have re-re-read all the documents I'd sent in hope of finding explanations for this delay in admits. All in vain, for everything seems to be right in place. The voice of the pessimist in me growing louder and stronger with each passing day, each taxing hour. So far, I have received one rejection and six more results are awaited. As I desperately refresh my mailbox every night every few minutes in hope of some progress, A has already started checking the ranking of his university on the "University's Hottest Babes" list on Edulix! Feels like sand grains slipping through my fingers. What gets to me is that I'm not clinging onto them, I'm just very curious about what comes off our relationship. Whats more amusing is how my parents seem to understand (more than anybody else) my anxiety regarding my applications and my fear of living away from him. Although, any hope that anybody tries to restore in me is useless, it just bounces off me without touching even the most exterior shells of my soul. Guess, I must really want to live this myself and face it full on, alone.

A few months back I got an ugly scar on the back of my hand while I was baking Chicken Tikkas(slurp!). I learnt not to insert my hand into the oven(a conventional grilled one) without wearing oven gloves. The mark is still quite prominent and looked ugly to me until a friend assured that it looked pretty cause the image of it was linked to me in his mind! On another crazy evening an old friend proposed to marry me and promised to fly down to Delhi in the very next flight to steal me away from all my worries, if I said YES. I admit a selfish part in me felt good about the whole deal of being loved by someone so much although I could not accept.

Its weird how little baubles like a book, a tune, a fragrance can unbolt a plethora of thoughts in one's mind that he dint even know existed in him. Maybe our minds have secret compartments, the key to which is held within us to find! I took a local on my way back home last Saturday when a tune from someone's cell phone caught my attention and did just that to me! It took me 8 years back to a teenage love and a wonderful evening we'd spent in a secluded place full of rocks and trees on the outer skirts of the city. I could recollect what both of us were wearing and even snippets from our conversation that evening! The silly plastic card he'd given me and the rose with withered petals he'd somehow managed to save until sunset :) First thing I did on reaching home was to retrieve the song and listen to it fifteen times until the evening was alive in me once again. Although it was a lifetime ago and we're far from feeling that way for each other anymore, the memories brought a warmth in my heart that had gone missing for a while now.

*I could not write one big post so compiled the little ones nagging in my head in these paragraphs.
caboodle mix :: 15 reflections | edit post
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tunia
I've been getting a strong urge to go out there and live alone, for quite sometime now. Face the big bad world myself, away from my family and friends; away from their love and protection. At least not until I'm completely self reliant, not until I've seen it all out there, not until my heart gives the signal.

Its strange how I keep planning for this crazy dream of mine. How when I'm happy, I start wondering how I'd react if I were alone. How, when I'm sad, I wonder how I'll handle myself. I crave to wake up alone, cook for myself and do all my chores just for myself. Get back home to again plan the next day, that should of course revolve around me. The more I think about it, I just know I have to do this at least once. Live alone for a few years or I'd regret not having done it when I'm elder. I admit I'm a bit sad right now, but it has nothing to do with what I'm writing. If anything, I'm just very expressive which is good, since I've been trying to write for quite a few days but haven't completed a single entry. Those who've been following(my blog) may know how I cant write unless I feel very strongly about something.

I tried explaining this to my mother by citing the example of a bird. Even she HAS to leave her nest and go out into the real world. It scared her a little. She dint react until she made sure I was serious about what I said. I'm not so sure she still understands but this is precisely what I want a break from. I want to live for me. I did not tell her that it is this dream of mine that keeps me going at the moment. I know it is not going to be a bed of roses, it is in fact going to be the very opposite. But, I also know that after I've done this, my perspective of looking at any situation will be very different. I would finally start worrying about things that really matter rather than wasting my mind/energy/peace over tiny issues.

I would be able to say "I lived life".
caboodle mix :: , , 15 reflections | edit post
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tunia
"Mad World"

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Gary Jules

caboodle mix :: , 3 reflections | edit post
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