tunia

An afternoon could be so pretty I'd never thought. Exams (practicals) got over and well, watch a movie, go out with him??
What more could I do. I decided to spend time with me. Reading a book in the nice warmth of the growing afternoon. It felt
good. I knew I'd remember it for the rest of my life. Everything was so peaceful, so pleasant.
Started humming a tune, random, beating the back of the book with my nails and a little cantata was on its way!!!
Kept shifting along with the growing shadows. The wind blowing softly, ruffling my hair. I looked pathetic. But I was so happy ! This is crazy!! :) Saw my shadow and stuffled a grin. Lest the senior sitting next to me would think I'm crazy cause thats what they do right?(when u're * keep finger on left/right end of forehead and rotate clockwise/counter clockwise as you wish *)
Not care about the world, be happy for ME. I'd love to be that when I wish to.


PS: I realised that not until you've experienced something do you realise that it'd leave an impression for the rest of your life.This was a rare moment when I knew that it'd stay with me forever. While I was at it.
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FOREVER

I love you...cant imagine life without you I dont want to actually...coz I cant imagine
myself being happier newhere else..in any other way..
I think of u...day and night...
every moment...every breath that I take is some how linked with you..
I wake up in the middle of the night..think of you..and sleep off with a smile on my face...
and I kno...that I love you!
I close my eyes..and the most calming sight is of you...next to me..your smile..
your presence..makes me feel so right...
nothing can be wrong when I am with you..
like the puzzle completes..
every piece fitting right in place..
I want to grow old with you.. be the mother of our children...
fight with you.. look after you..
let u kno that in the worst situations in life..I'l be there..right there..standing next to you..
even when u dont have teeth to chew..
you'l be the sexiest guy on earth for me..
I'l feel warm in the middle of a cold cold winter night...with no covering..
just coz I am with you..
coz I love u... and I'l kno...that u do too..
Love this Song:

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I TRIED BEING NICE. I TRIED BEING OBLIVIOUS TOWARDS HER ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOUR.
I TRIED LIKING HER.
BUT I REALISE THAT ITS ALL GOING TO
EFFECT ME EVENTUALLY, SO NOT LIKING IT AND
UNWILLINGLY I HAD TO YEILD IN.
I HAD TO GIVE UP AND BOW MY HEAD IN ARTIFICIAL
RESPECT.* groan *
I HAVE NO CHOICE. I JUST DINT SEE
THE MISTRESS OF THE OBVIOUS.* humph *

GOD HELP, FOR I HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER.
DO I HAVE A CHOICE THAT I'M UNABLE TO SEE.
SHUN'T THE HAND I OFFERED BE GIVEN
SOME RESPONSE? SO I'D NOT LOSE HEART? * sigh *
THIS SUCKS!!

* karm kar phul ki chinta mat kar * (do your duty without keeping the fruits in mind) :

driving force??
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RESPECT YOUR PARENTS AND ELDERS.

NOBODY OTHER THAN YOU YOURSELF IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR YOU.

BANK ON PEOPLE AROUND YOU UPTIL AN EXTENT.

ALWAYS BE STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THINGS ON YOUR OWN, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TO.

DO NOT EVER LET YOURSELF BE IN A HELPLESS SITUATION, SOMEWHERE YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF WITHOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S HELP.

ALWAYS BE INDEPENDENT.

ITS NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO BE THERE FOR YOU, ITS BETTER TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE THINGS ON YOUR OWN.

LEARN FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES. IDEAL WOULD BE TO LEARN FROM OTHER'S EXPERIENCES, BUT HOW CAN YOU LEARN THE WAY OUT UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN THERE YOURSELF.

YOUR BRAIN IS YOUR STRONGEST WEAPON.

DO NOT LET SOMETHING/SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVE BE YOUR WEAKNESS, INSTEAD LET IT BE YOUR STRENGTH.

BE HUMBLE. LEARN TO SAY THANKS, SORRY, YES, I AGREE, OK.

BE SINCERE IN WHATEVER YOU DO. DO NOT DO IT IF YOU CAN NOT GIVE FULL JUSTICE TO IT.

LEARN TO CONCENTRATE.

CONTROL YOUR TEMPER.IT CAN BE YOUR WORST ENEMY. YOUR FAILURE CAN BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

LEARN TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOURSELF.

DO NOT WASTE TIME. ITS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING THAT COMES TO YOU FREE BUT WHEN GONE, YOU CAN NEVER RECOVER IT.

DO NOT SPEND A PENNY MORE THAN WHAT YOU HAVE.(SAVING IS AN OPTION TOO!)

HELP PEOPLE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

BE GOOD TO ALL.ESPECIALLY WHO ARE LESS GIFTED THAN YOU.

RESPECT ALL BEINGS.

LOVE IS/SHOULD BE UNADULTRATED.

ALWAYS BE SIMPLE IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS.

BE HONEST, PATIENT, CALM.

"I WANT PEACE". KNOCK OFF THE "I" AND "WANT" YOU'LL GET "PEACE" .

LEARN TO FACE PROBLEMS AND NOT TO RUN AWAY FROM THEM. THEY'D BE EASIER TO HANDLE THE NEXT TIME YOU COME ACROSS THEM.
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Teach me god to control situations while they are under my control. Not to keep them pending till I have created a haywire for myself to get out of.

This is in regard with my studies/exams, my relationships (no lolly not neccessarily my boy friend) and my phone bill.

Yes,the third case is what has invoked me into writing this post.

Last month, I let my bill go out of hand and pledged to control. Yet, the need to use it empowers all my will, bloody shamelessly once again I stand just where i was at beginning of last month
* exhasperated! rolling of eyes! they're tending to burst out! *

I have again put myself into a situation where I can say "SCREWED" ,another month of bloody misery! Ikeep postponing my studies till the very end. No,the very very end. Manage to fare well but would do many folds better if only I wouldn't be a complete sloth.

Okay,now I pledge to study regularly,use my resources more wisely and not let my relationships take a backseat till my mind declares an emergency!
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For all those who think I suddenly stopped writing...nop...thats not happened...just that at two instances I wrote entries and just when I posted them
1. blog-city.com decided to go under repair work just at that very instant!! (m not one of those who can trust their luck!no sir..it never seems to favour me at the right moment!!).
2. I'd learnt my lesson and wrote the entry first on notepad and then was gonna post it. Just at that very instant the internet connection got disconnected and I could not post the entry. Since I was at home then, I decided to copy it on a floppy and post it when I come to the hostel (it was 4am,i had to leave for hostel at 7!).
and now guess whats happenin? the floppy wont work. disk not formatted it seems!! * w t f? *

so the two really important lessons I learnt is :
a) Not to trust service providers how ever impressive their user satisfaction guarantee document sounds!!(not to trust something thats not in your control)
b) DO NOT TRUST FLOPPIES

Anyways I decided to write a brief on the two posts that vanished.

The first one was about how I fought with my parents (yeah both of them, I suck I know) and they got really upset. pa started cryin and me too. It ended up with them saying sorry to me. Which brought me to new lows that I dint even know existed in me.

The second entry was about how an ugly feeling resided in my subconscious mind and the conscious me did not realise it until it was too late. The sub conscious shamelessly sniggered at the conscious.
Loved ones tryin to snatch away your identity is the worst that can happen to you. For them to want you to be some one you
1. do not want to be.
2.would despise yourself if you became that.

(writing in points seems to arrange my thoughts well on this post.please bere with it.)

So, finally coming to what I wanted to write about. I loved reading. (refer to things that I love). Could not sleep without reading for atleast an hour before I doze off. While commuting (we used to go to kerela every summer, which is a three day journey by train.) I used to carry a huge stack of books. Just incase I finished the ones that were safely enough to be carrying!

I'd started Angles and Demons(dan brown) and havn't crossed the first chapter so far. Then Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) and nop, not even the first chapter. Every time I get back to it again, I had to read it again and leave it at presisely the very spot I'd left it on the former occassion!

Lately,I've simply lost the zest for reading, which is quite ennerving considering how much I used to love it. Yet, I just can't seem to get myself to do it. So I decided to read something really different, something that could help bring my passion for reading back. I resorted to reading works by indian authors. It did help. Though the one hour reading schedule is not back, it is a start.



I've started reading "THE TIGER BY THE RIVER" by Ravi Shankar Etteth. It was somehow more relaxin to read about places that I know without having to tax my mind about how it'd really be like. Incidences that I'd relate to. A language(written in itallics when used) that feels like home!

Hope I get my one hour schedule back ( I do miss it!). For all those who care even a bit,please coax me into keep goin,help me keep it on track..

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5 nights is the most that I've stayed up at a stretch. Were the worst five nights of my life. I had lost my sister. Damn I miss her so much. Lost her on the 19th of november 2004. I still remember postponing a call to her till the 20th. I had to scold her, " How could she have forgotten to wish me on my anniversary?"(18th) .

I would stay up thinkin about her, tryin to feel her presence,by feelin her clothes, trying to find her essence in the room that we used to share. Stay up all night talking. I'd sit on the couch in my room, where she used to sit and yak yak yak! :) . I vividly remember her sitting there and talking to me just five days before she left. I'd make imaginary conversations with her in my mind. I was like a personal diary to her. She mustave been the coolest elder sister in the world! Still dont know why she took that last decision of leaving a weeek earlier for college. She just did not listen to anybody. She tried talking to me. Why was I fucking busy? She called me before leaving, I was out.
I couldn't sleep, would I never really see her again? Somehow losing my grandparents had not been as tough. They were 75. Nanaji(grand father) had cancer. He was bed ridden, he was too ill and naniji(grand mother) had lost nanaji (reason enough for her to quit).

I never thought i'd be able to break this personal insomniac record of mine. But I'm almost there. This is the fifth night and no signs of sleep.

I just lay here feeling uncomfortable,peturbed to no extent (will this ever end? do ppl really get what I'm sayin? ), uneasy, neglected, unloved, restless, scared.

Sleep is to give your mind rest. your body can rest while you're awake and simply lying down. Dont know why but these extra sleepless nights are turning me crazy. Do I need help?

I just lay there,fooling myself,my parents (who ironically think I sleep a bit too much! since I put myself to bed early and get out of it late. So they would have to bere with this ugly, tired, tensed face that I come across everytime I look into the mirror as little as possible) .

I just can't get this. I have to get some sleep.
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tunia

Smiling faces look beautiful!
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"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."

Training is on, almost towards the end. People who were important for so long and then drifted away due to scaling of priorities have mysteriously come back into life. While those who were there to shelter through the tough phases have now become strangers! Life sure is a roller coaster ride. Whoever said that, was making perfect sense.

Staying at home these days since hostel seems to create a suffocating feeling in self. The room that I loved and wrote about passionately seems to give me the feeling like I was trapped in a tower. I guess everybody does need a change.

Have started preparations for the graduate record examination. So far parents are being supportive, but gradually have begun to see the doubts in their eyes. I'm gona give it my best shot no doubt.

Finally got internet connection at home, it has got a decent speed as well. (not as good as hostel though!) using my brother's old desktop since mine is in the hostel and he plans to buy a notebook. Was goin through the files when I came across this graffitti he had scribbled at the bottom of one of them. Love you Nakul, and I miss you so.. Woke up to a message he'd sent, though I dint get head or tail of what he was saying, it felt good! :)
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Exams got over on the 1st.But,BVP doesn't give much of breathing time.Training started on the 4th."VLSI"(veri large scale integration).

With so much going on and with anant in town I barely had time for myself and obviously for new posts.

Well, training's still on but anant's left(miss you so much baby!!!) Feels like its been ages since I stayed home.Nop, I dont compramise on time with family because of him but ever since my grandparents shifted base,weekends are spent at their place which is precisely the time when come home!(stole one weekend to bake!which happened to be anant's last weekend in town,the shame and guilt account5ed to peaks and I decided to do what the poor guy had been asking for since the past whole year! yes,I know guys, will be baking for you very soon..guess the reverse psychology thing did work!!)

Anyways,got home on friday after a gruelling week of classes,lab,saying bye * sniff * and two bloody exams that completely sucked!!

finally got time to go for a swim [I love water! COMPLETELY! even when I'm out on an evenin, You offer me a drink and I'd happily settle for a glass full of ice and water!!! lol! * tempted * since hostel room has this little cooler that lately hasn't been running properly and with beads of sweat trickling down my back right now...that sounds like heaven!]

I'd been put into the pool at the mere age of one n a half!! (beleive it or not) with arm floats and a tube around my mid (which is the mid when ur body is just a feet tall????!!!) my brother swimming close by keeping a close watch and yet not making it too obvious lest I'd lose confidence..(he was 5!!mum dad trusted him with the little baby's life?????*sighs in deferance *)

So,I was going for a swim (I keep strayin!), on my way anant called,I parked the car aside to speak with him.Exchange of greetings and then first question asked, "Kitnon ko udaya??" ("How many did you knock off??") anyways,I took it in good humour and moved on,was supposed to pick pa from office on my way so he'df practice golf while I swam. reached his office, and first question asked, "Kya hua?,thok diya kissi ko??" ("what happened?, knocked off someone/something?") gawd!!!

Conclusion: I am a good driver.
Searched for more similarities in both the comments I received, apart from the "knocking off" part and..yup,got it "MEN!!!" * rolling of eyes *
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When I was in sixth grade. I studied in "Rajmata Krishna Kumari Girls Public School" (RKKGPS) it was this school owned by the king of Jodhpur (yeah they still exist!) Loved being there for a year. One of the best year of my life. It was a day boarding school, the class strength was not allowed to exceed 20! So we'd all get personal attention. But how the head of the institute manage to know us all, still beats me!

A month before the distribution of the annual reports, Mrs. Brar(the head) would start collect the report cards and write comments about the students in each one of them. Mine read " Has leadership qualities, always smiling!" I want to go 9yrs back and turn into the same Ira. The one who was carefree, her favourite quote being " Live Life To The Fullest". She took each day at a time, was confident and in control of the things going on in her life, very frank and straight forward.

Where did I lose myself? Was it between all those switching of schools and trying to adjust in a new back ground every alternate year? or The gruelling competitive exams? or Joining college and taking my first steps into the real world? Things seem to be going wayward. Every time I try and get things back into track, something triggers the negetive feelings stored in my mind. This constant minor depression lingers over me all day, I tried finding sollutions and working them as well but none seem to help.
TWO LOST SOULD SWIMMING IN A FISHBOWL
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Oh god oh god oh god!
Every time I have exams. I end up wondering if I made the right choice by taking up the courses that I am persuing. When I am done with them, I am sure I made the right choice!! But why every time? This is one big problem with me. I am always not sure about the choices that I make. At the time I make them, like I wanted to buy a liner. Thought I'd check out the brush before buying. Made up my mind completely before leavin, at the store. I wasn't sure what kind of brush was I looking for?
When I go out to buy clothes, I am fascinated by the stuff there (I'd already decided what I needed to get! before coming) and completely completely go off track. End up buyin stuff that I wore for the first and the last time right there in the trial room! I am so bad at makin decisions!
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I need to make some serious changes with myself. These few things are the the building blocks of 'me', my character, and they seem to be suckin out the happiness of my life.

I blame it all to my mother, ever since I've become able to understand spoken language and speak myself,she'd tell us that things had a proper reason behind them.( she's a science teacher). She completely forbade us from beleiving things like, 'a black cat crossin ur path is unlucky' (what about those who own black cats?). We were allowed to question anything that did not seem to satisfy our brains ( that had started working on the science of reasoning). We'd analyse every situation,every instruction everything said to us (not scrutinize for mistakes, but be satisfied that what had been said, made sense. ), in every aspect. (thus, ruining my life) My parents encouraged this. (as long as I did not cross my limits. Which I scarcely do.)

Unless I get proper explanations behind anything, I cant seem to accept them. (unless its ten minutes before the exam and Anchit begs me, "pl ratt le..!!" (just mug it) lol! ) If there is somethin bothering me, then I cant breath easy till the time its sorted out completely in my head. Till then, it keeps nagging at me.

People say I've stopped talking lately (no shrey, I havn't I just screen more finely before talking) I try to explain things to myself. (as far as possible ) I am not a dreamer but a thinker.

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love:

1. Animals (I was mother to a sparrow,turtle,cat n a dog..all at the same time a few years back (they have been returned to their natural surroundings) all free to roam in the house! )

2. A perfect house (nice n tidy,pleasant) with cozy rooms.

3. Cooking (find it very very relaxing, love it. Especially to cook for Nakul, paa and Anant. )

4. Swimming (used to swim 50 laps a day durin the summers. Now I cant seem to find the time. But would love to go whenever possible)

5. Spending time with cousins ( Pa was in airforce. Even though we kept shifting from one town to another they were always there. Made it a point to meet them during vaccations )

6. Psudoku! (cant finish my day without doing atleast one. Actually won a competition once! )

7. Music (anything that would relax my nerves)

8. Reading(usually read myself to sleep, unless I am going through one of those insomniac phases.)


9. Walking barefoot on dew covered green grass.

10. Spending time on the Tla (mound) at night. (this hangout place in our college! college looks beautiful at night!)

11. Actually Tla whenever!

16. Spending time on the chhajja of my balcony. On the hostel terrace. Late at night. Or maybe on the water tank.

17. Talkin to myself! (*duh..?*)

18. Riding a bike!

19. Driving

20. My room (at home and in hostel)

21. Cleanliness, I am a complete freak.

22. Jogging in the rain

hate:

1. Politics (anywhere)

2. Untruthfull people (they become repulsive to me)

3. Rude, boistrous people who scoff at others.

4. Dirty feet! (even if I am dead tired,ready to drop and there is dirt on my foot, the freak would go wash it!)

5. Losing/misplacing things (it upsets me no end)

6. Dirty lenin.

7. Being idle. (I'd go insane, would rather clean my cupboard!)

8. Smugdy spectacles (this is a family problem, my sister cant bere it either)

9. Comparing siblings! *tsk tsk*

10. Dirtying streets, any public places or property and people who do it.

11. Particularly spitting on the road . *gross*

12. Arguments with my parents.
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Vishu ,the malayali new year falls on the first day of malayali month of Medam according to the Kollam calander. This year, it is on April 14th. Legend has it that the Kollam Era began on the day Parashurama, the sixth incarnition of Lord Vishnu, created Kerela while making the waters of the Arabian sea recede when he flung his axe at it. Religious solemnity marks the day for the unostentatious malayalis, who's celeberations are relatively low scale in pomp and gaiety.

The main ritual on this day is 'vishukani' or 'kanikanal' (first sight). People beleive that the first things they see on vishu morning will have a bearing on their prosperity in the coming year. A ritual arrangement of auspicious articles like gold ornaments,rice grains , fresh linen, coconut, yellow cucumber, a metal mirror, coins and yellow kanipoo (cassia flowers) are kept before a garlanded portrait of shree krishna along with a lighted lamp.

prepared vishikani

Children are brought blind folded from their rooms to see the vishukani after the elders have had their darshan at the crack of dawn. Until last year, I went through the motions mechanically. I was more interested in the vishu kaineetam, wherein elders give children and younger family members cash, gifts etc. This was said to ensure the receivers prosperity. The welcome addition to out pocket money made vishu attractive to my cousins and me.

But this year I decided to find out all that I am writing right now. Ritual of vishukani became a matter of deep faith. I had realised by then that surrender to god was the basis of all success in life. So, the lords darshan before entering the new year infused me with confidence to face life's turbulances with equanimity. The experiance became both humling and empowering.


kanipoo

Many people in kerala perform vishukani in temples. This is later distributed among the poor. New clothes, fire crackers, and a grant saadya (feast) are other attractions. Though lakhs of malayalis have set up home far from Kerela's palm-fringed beaches, they celeberate vishu as an article opf faith at home and through malayali associations.

saadya

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I can be really unreasonable at times, things that do not consern me take up my mind and can bother me endlessly. Keep eating me up from inside and 'me' the wonderer,cant help but give food to these thoughts. Let them peturb me. Something similar happened two months back.

The reason I shall not discuss, but it was something that kept botherin me. Somehow I feel that it was linked to me, which maybe it is but persay. I could do without bothering about it. I'd really like to learn to deal with such situations. Maybe I have, but not learnt to deal with them but to live with them. I'v learnt to myself and not let them bother me so much..

But there are times, I cant let them not affect me. I get restless, uncomfortable. I know I could try talking to someone,but what do I say? and should I say? Am I being stupid and overreacting? Oh! God, whatever the solution, give it to me. Atleast I'd be peaceful for once in a long time. It just keeps nagging and nagging and nagging. (fucking things just dont stop suckin at my blood. ) Life sucks! Waiting for the lines from my forehead to vanish,atleast for now I'd be releived.
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What is life? Why do people want to be the best?


THOUGHTS:

1. DU left...
Friday, 7 April 2006 3:25 am
I guess its coz we get just one chance.. n thats all we have so most of us do tend to try n make the best of it.. 95% of ppl try while the remaining actually succeed.. and fame or goldmines dont really count.. i dont kno then what does :p, but its something else, they all say!!

2. ira left...
Friday, 7 April 2006 2:20 pm
ahaan...dont u think we(95%) get lost strivingfor the mines..coz we have just one chance...while we could actually make the best of it...by other means???whateva...guess it'd be solved ven we realise what actually matters...cud be diff. for diff ppl..but yeah...guess dats it..

3. Anand left...
Friday, 7 April 2006 9:02 pm
what is life??? Very BIG question .... no one has found an answer yet!!! :-D Why do v wanna b d best? thts coz its normal human tendency ... survival of the fittest ... v wanna b tops alwez! n thers nothin wrong in tryin 2 b! n v dont "get lost" ... v choose a path n try to make the best outta it. ultimately its nt the path tht matters ... its how satisfied v r aftr v walk dwn it! as for the goldmines...v al need a lil pat on da back sumtimes ... dnt v? :-)
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Robert Frost:
The best way out is always through. The impossible is often the untried.

Samuel Jackson:
Clear your mind of CAN'T

Henry Ford:
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. The world belongs to the enthusiast who keeps his cool. Life shrinks or expands proportional to one's courage. Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes Ability may get you to the top, but it is character that will keep you there. Whether you believe you can do a thing or not. You are right.

Mark Twain:
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. Self confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings
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Life sucks completely. I hate everything that is happenin in it at the moment and I have no one but myself to blame for it. I am irristated, frustrated, stressed, depressed, irritable, uncomfortable, not well (this fucking cold just does not seem to leave me) There are times when I feel like simply leaving everything and running away. But, I know it would just keep following. The past whole year has probably been the worst year of my life. The effect just doesn't seem to end. Waiting for either god to get over with screwing my life or him giving me immenese amounts of patience to bere with it. There are people who make me uncomfortable, even the thought of them burns me up from inside. I hate something that remote being able to control my feelings. ( very good,to morbid) Dont believe me? Had I sat down to write this just 15mins back, it'd have been a very different post.

I HATE THIS.

Waiting for the spring of my life to reappear. For these days to end soon, for me to be stronger, more mature and sensible. I am trying to hold on, its slipping and the strings are going to snap any moment.
God makes you go through bad times, so you'd realise the value of good times. I beleive in this, it keeps me going. But how much longer?
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ON THEIR 50th ANNIVERSARY


The simplest, most down to earth, humble, pure hearted people I've known so far, my naniji(grandma) and nanaji (grandpa). Naniji,always had this pleasant calm expression on her face, looking at which would take half your problems away, and the other half would vanish after spending time with her. No wonder my nanaji was crazy ♥ about her! J Even till his last breath, they hadn't spent more than 2days apart. Other than the ten unfortunate days, that I still dont understand why god made them go through.

They started their day by getting up early in the morning, at around five and having tea along with listening to our national song (vandey mataram by Bankimchandra Chatterji ). That is played on All India Radio every morning 0530hrs (which my mother now, starts her day with! ). Naniji couldn't start her day without writing to someone! (yes, writing a letter!).


My mother married an airforce officer because of which she kept shifting from one town to another. So, they kept in constant touch by writing to each other since both felt letters were more personal. She'd wrote to all her relatives. All her brothers and sisters. Both real and foster. She was the eldest daughter of her parents. With the birth of her younger brother,she lost her mother and she took over the responsibility of the household. Until my great grandfather remarried to my chhoti parnani ( great grandmum ). Who looked after all her children very well, not letting them know even once the diffrence of their origin!

They ( my grandparents ) started their lives together in Jaipur where my naniji and her sister-in-law (they lived like sisters, naniji called her 'ba' ) looked after the whole family. Since my nanaji had lost his mother early in his life. They shifted to Delhi, then Bangkok, then Delhi and then Bareilly.

They travelled the world together. Bangkok, Africa, States, Bhutan, Maynmar and loads of other places. That I am not sure of. My mother along with her three siblings spent the first half of her childhood in Bangkok. After coming back to India, nanaji worked for sometime and then retired with a comfortable salary and a bunglow in one of the most posh areas of the city.

We saw and learnt the concept of simple living and high thinking from them. Being one of the richest people in the locality, not one thing about the way they spoke or lived emphasized that. I feel,I should and why not? I am so proud of them. They lived for each other and for their family. Naniji was not the kinds who spent hours at her mandir,but rather would spend her whole day looking after people helpin them, talking to them. Spreadin smiles by simply being herself.

They gave birth to a daughter whom dey named moosi! (means petite in rajasthani ). She died at the age of two. Naniji went hysterical. She was about to give birth to another child when this happened. Her son ( prakash ) was born 2-3months after her daughter's death. The new born wasn't a healthy child and the doctors were stunned that he made it to the world. A few months later, after going through immense treatments, the baby could not make it and died early in the morning. Naniji knew it was coming but wasn't prepared. What could prepare a mother to lose her child? She suffered with Dysthymia ( a long-term, mild depression that lasts for a minimum of two years. By definition the symptoms are not as severe as with Major Depression, although those with Dysthymia are vulnerable to co-occurring episodes of Major Depression.).

After being treated by various doctors for over two years and under the loving warmth of her husband, naniji was coming through again. Around three years later she gave birth to a son.( R ajendra ),then two years later a daughter( Kaamna )another two years forth another daughter (Kavita,my mother) and two years later another! ( Rachna ). Naniji loved children,she beleived that god had given them so much, they could look after all the children well. Then why not.( obviously she was unaware of 'hum do hamarey do' J! ). She looked after nanaji's siblings and her children together. Since they were all almost the same age. They had three daughters and a son, all of whom have turned into fine adults. My mother's eldest sister, Kaamna died at the age of 23. In an accident. She had just been married 2years and had a son. She lived to see my mother and her youngest sister getting engaged, but could not make it to their wedding. My grandparents adopted her son, since living alone with his father was not something that would have been optimal and his foster mother could not look after him like her own child. They spent the rest of their lives framing the future of their son.

In february 2002, nanaji was diagnosed with cancer of the prostate. He spent the next three months between trips to the hospital for chemotherapy (A type of drug treatment used in cancer. There are over 50 different chemotherapy drugs available. The drugs are used in different ways according to the type of cancer, how advanced it is and the general health of the person being treated.Different chemotherapy drugs may be used alone or in combinations of two or more drugs.) and vising doctors in hope of some treatment. it started with a simple swelling of his foot, which everyone took lightly. Until the reports of his ultrasound came. Mama (their son) came to meet them as frequently as possible(from bareilley ). But, my grandparents couldn't make it through alone anymore. They had to shift in with him.

One morning naniji woke to a serious bout of vomiting and breathing problems. She had to be rushed to the hospital where she was admitted. After a week( which was the maximum time she had spent away from nanaji and the maximum that she could take! ), she started insisting on coming back home. The doctor promised her three more days and she could be off. Meanwhile nanaji visited her alternate days (he was bed ridden and needed help for all his daily chores ). She was to be discharged on the 24th of june(sunday). Nanaji expired at 11:30 pm on the 23rd. Mama rushed to the hospital to bring her home and brought her only in time to see nanaji close his eyes one last time. That day I lost both my grandparents. I say that because naniji lost the will to live then on. She could never understand why god kept them apart for the last ten days of their lives together. She became very ill. Refused to eat anything. The smile that all of us loved to see on her face had vanished for ever. One month later, 23rd july at 11:30 pm, she died on her way to the hospital in the ambulance after suffering a heart attack. My mami (her daughter-in-law) was the only one with her. She died smiling...her last words were " mein unkey paas jaa rahi hun... " ( " I am going to him.. ")

One whole month. All of us had tried to show her all the wonderful things in her life which she still had and could live for. But nobody could imagine her, having to live without nanaji. We would have been selfish to keep her. THEY WERE TRULY MADE FOR EACH OTHER.



I loved her from the first moment I saw her!!!
(00:00 hours after I was born)

I love both of them from the bottom of my heart and cherish each moment I have spent with them. I shall this all till my last breath and I thank god for having me know them.

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I love coffee! Everything from the essence, black strong coffe, coffee milk, cold coffee, coffee muffins everything! Love it from the core of my heart!! I should not be so proud of saying it, but I am addicted to it!! There are times when my brain stops working, all I can smell is beans of coffee! That intoxicating smell *mmm....:)*
It makes me feel alive, somehow soothes my nerves! Then again, I am very particular about how it is made. Wont just have anything.
Cold coffee, the even mix of froth and milk!!! The lip smackin essence of expresso, that could wake me even from my sleep! (ask my brother) Black coffee during exam nights!

I can proudly say that I make the best coffee in the world! At times, we make 10-20 cups of coffee in the hostel, with one rickety kettle! We love these midnight coffee parties on exam nights! Nothing better than simple indian nescafe classic for me.


me: tempted!!
humming:taste that gets you started up....!!


ps: its my lunch break right now. Got home from the weekend, three days of having coffee morning and evening, I am yerning for it right now and the canteen coffee doesn't appeal as much! :( *groan*
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Ten Things Men Know About Women:
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10. Women Have Boobs!!!
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tunia


Magestic, isn't he? oozes out power, royalty!
I was around eight, we'd gone for a picnic. I rode a horse, for the first time in my life *as far as my memory goes* and asked the owner of the horse how much he'd sell it for. He told me a certain amount and I started insisting on having it for a pet! On being refused to, I made an ugly grumpy face and refused to speak to my family for the rest of the trip.*yeah,I was dum*. From then on, I have big plansof living in a farm,with lots of animals. Horses, rabbits, ducks, swans, dogs, birds, cows.. The list could go on for ever! Wow! I'd be in heaven ...live amongst them like the family in "Summer at Country Side" by Enid Blyton. Can we sweetheart?
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Memories I Shall Always Cherish :)

1989: Our family house was being made and every one had a say in it. All of us have a special corner in the house. The nursery for the kids, a well in the backyard, coconut,papaya,mango trees in the porch, a peaceful pooja in the basement for ammaji *grandmother* and an office for acha *grand father*.
A living area which would cradle memories for the next many generations to come! I still remember the little hill that needed to be broken down for the house to be built on.

1991-2000: From the upper kinderguarden till the 9th I was a nerd. Stood first in every grade. I loved it, and after that, I'll just say, I did not!

1993: I started learnin kathak from Mrs. Shobhana Narayan. I was the youngest dancer performing professionally in her troop.
1997: I got my first pet! My own dog! We named him 'Tuff'.
1998: I took part in my first debate and stood first. This was the beginning of my public speaking endeavor.

1999: I got 'Tuff', a handsome golden retriever who is now almost eight years old! (I lost my first pet when he was 9 months old)
2000: We shifted to New Delhi. I love this city! For, I have my whole family here, I met my best friends and Anant here.
2003: (November,18) Anant asked me out, its been four years of us sharing each moment of our lives.
2004: (June,1) A special day.
2005: (October,4) The best birthday ever!
(November,2) A special day.
2007: I told my parents about Anant, they took it wonderfully.
We met Aparna, my to be sister-in-law.
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Me
tunia
I am 21 years old. Here's about the people in my life.

Papa: He is undoubtedly the ideal man for me. He has been more a friend than a parent for us. I do not think there is anybody with whom I can share my mind as easily. He is my weakness, he is my world.

Mumma: She is the sweetest, simplest being on this earth. She is still a kid from within. As I grow up, I realise I am becoming a clearer reflection of her! I do not think I have fought more with anybody else on this earth.

Nakul: (my brother) He is four years elder to me. Until a few years back, our relationship was strictly that of an elder brother with his younger sister. Lately, I can see the age line fading and us becoming better friends.

Tuff: (my dog) My best adopted brat! :)

Anant: My boyfriend, my best friend, my anchor, my mind, my mentor. We have been together since the past four years. *touchwood*

Uttara: My younger sister whom I love a lot and I am very possessive about .

Chhavi, Nitika, Nishith, Shitij and Monu bhaiya: Cousins from my mother's side of the family who have been my best friends for ever since I remember.

Namrata: My best friend from school. She is my life support system.

Aparna: My foster sister! I am her life support system! *hehe*

Gunjan, Sandeep and Shrey: My best friends from college.

Sunaina, Megha and Tanvi didi: My seniors whom I am very attached with. We have had a lot of fun together! Life in hostel wouldn't have been the same without them.
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Anant and I are really amazing friends. We'd easily qualify for bossom pals. Had we known each other that long it'd have been no different! Just more memories to reminise.

I can share my mind with him. Anything, just anything! He'd come a 100 miles just to give me company cause I can't concentrate and study alone. And when he comes, I wont study anyways! But w-t-f? I'd wake him up at 3 in the morn, cause I cant sleep n am getting bored! No, he's not my pet, he wont sit upright to talk to me. But yeah,he'd manage anyways. We study over the phone, fight, gossip! Nop not him, I'm the one who goes on blabbering. We bitch about ppl, for the heck of it? We fight, big time! We'd yell at each other,abuse,hit..! I specialise in nail digging fights! pheww, its amazing! Then we'd hug and get things straight and I'd wipe my nose on his shirt! *yukh!* lol! Dont look at me like that, he never ever carries a hanky! His fault (pt. to note dude!). We always look back at those times, and dont really regret them happening, After all, for how long can u be goodie two shoes kinda friends? Nothing can beat the kinda fun we have!
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Valentine's day. I do not know what it is but I am happy, really happy. There is a smile stuck onto my face, that wont go. I am alone on this day, but I'm all dressed up, in red and white! Just looking good for the one I love! Who stays hundreds of miles away from me. But I'd have done it, had I been there with him. Every day could be valentine's day when you're together. Its just about realising the importance of each other. Cherishing each moment.


Life is beautiful! Just doesn't reveal it that easily, its for you to realise. Not by trying to find, but like,looking at this stranger's face, staring at it for some time, and then realising how pretty it is! why dint you realise it in the first go?Its not the face that changed, but you looked at it differently. At first glance you were looking for beauty that'd ooz out, wont that have grown in on you? This looks pleasant, and you'd remember it forever!
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