I couldn't have felt more ashamed as I did when she looked at me with loathing in her eyes. I had sinned, for her I had. How could I be born to that womb and yet be so different, so shameless? I tried to reason, and I dropped further in my own eyes. Nothing could have made it better for her, nothing and I knew she's never forget this day of her life. I felt sick in my mind as I dreaded her telling baba. Maybe she wouldn't, but why wont she? And maybe, I wanted her to tell him, for how was I to look into those eyes again? I had never felt deeper remorse in my life.
I became numb and hated the pain easing, I wanted it to hurt. I had hurt her, disappointed her after all that she'd done for me, to understand me beyond her will I had let her down. I realised I'd gained my feelings about trust from her, about being unable to reform them once they'd broken. I had broken the crystal vase of her trust and I knew nothing I said could amend it.
As I lay there distraught, tears trickling down my cheeks he stood a good distance away from me. I would run into his arms for nothing else mattered, but he just stood there reprimanding me on my foolishness. I am arrogant I am for I backfired stinging him. I knew I was being unreasonable but isn't he the only one who could understand? I stabbed him again with my sharp tongue and he rebuked. I felt good for at least someone was punishing me although unknowingly.
I realised how badly I needed him but would not say. Why would I have to beg each time? Why cant I for once be given the honor of being understood although unspoken I stood glaring at him, blaming him for being him. For being the only one who could sooth but who wouldn't do so without me having to say! Ah! maybe if I cried louder or hurt myself he'd listen to the unspoken woes? Then creeps in the ghosts of my howling self as I listen to it like a stranger crying in a far away land. I wait for him to come forth, take me in his arms and cradle me hushing me whispering into my ear that everything will be fine.
I just saw him standing staring into my eyes, as I feared he might see through the pretense. How should I be blamed if it were one most desired longing I craved? How should I be blamed for dripping out my soul leaving it naked all bare! For every being deserves a balm for the heart? Why should I have to trip so low to be but just loved by him? Maybe its the sins I committed that I'm paying back for. Maybe I'm cursed to be loved and not know or maybe I should make peace with the woes.
