I couldn't have felt more ashamed as I did when she looked at me with loathing in her eyes. I had sinned, for her I had. How could I be born to that womb and yet be so different, so shameless? I tried to reason, and I dropped further in my own eyes. Nothing could have made it better for her, nothing and I knew she's never forget this day of her life. I felt sick in my mind as I dreaded her telling baba. Maybe she wouldn't, but why wont she? And maybe, I wanted her to tell him, for how was I to look into those eyes again? I had never felt deeper remorse in my life.

I became numb and hated the pain easing, I wanted it to hurt. I had hurt her, disappointed her after all that she'd done for me, to understand me beyond her will I had let her down. I realised I'd gained my feelings about trust from her, about being unable to reform them once they'd broken. I had broken the crystal vase of her trust and I knew nothing I said could amend it.

As I lay there distraught, tears trickling down my cheeks he stood a good distance away from me. I would run into his arms for nothing else mattered, but he just stood there reprimanding me on my foolishness. I am arrogant I am for I backfired stinging him. I knew I was being unreasonable but isn't he the only one who could understand? I stabbed him again with my sharp tongue and he rebuked. I felt good for at least someone was punishing me although unknowingly.

I realised how badly I needed him but would not say. Why would I have to beg each time? Why cant I for once be given the honor of being understood although unspoken I stood glaring at him, blaming him for being him. For being the only one who could sooth but who wouldn't do so without me having to say! Ah! maybe if I cried louder or hurt myself he'd listen to the unspoken woes? Then creeps in the ghosts of my howling self as I listen to it like a stranger crying in a far away land. I wait for him to come forth, take me in his arms and cradle me hushing me whispering into my ear that everything will be fine.

I just saw him standing staring into my eyes, as I feared he might see through the pretense. How should I be blamed if it were one most desired longing I craved? How should I be blamed for dripping out my soul leaving it naked all bare! For every being deserves a balm for the heart? Why should I have to trip so low to be but just loved by him? Maybe its the sins I committed that I'm paying back for. Maybe I'm cursed to be loved and not know or maybe I should make peace with the woes.
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15 Responses
  1. Sandi Says:

    Beautifully written!

  2. CM-Chap Says:

    That's touchy...

    Maybe I'm cursed to be loved and not know or maybe I should make peace with the woes.

  3. Dagny Says:

    This worried me.
    Plus i didn't understand :(

  4. ash89 Says:

    i didnt understand either!

  5. uj Says:

    perspectives - line of view - orientation...what doesnt fit? or is something too tight??

  6. UJ Says:

    i see u havnt seen the comment i left last night or did i not??..oh and heres a surprise :)

  7. sundeep Says:

    You will really miss your parents ,when you will reach USA.

  8. ira Says:

    can I keep mum about this?

  9. Dagny Says:

    hmmm, sounds rude, but keeping mum doesn't go well with writing a blog post with comments allowed.

    Turn comments off and u shall have peace

  10. ira Says:

    I asked if I could keep mum about this particular post.
    You're right, you were very rude!

    You are still free to comment. I just do not wish to discuss this particular one. Not that tought to understand! Or is it?

  11. Dagny Says:

    I'm sorry sweetheart, i wasn't being mean, i was just telling u what i thought was the way out.

  12. sundeep Says:

    Why did you change your blog address?

  13. ira Says:

    Sundeep>Was very depressed since the past few days..felt like running away...no one understood ANYWHERE.
    wanted to run away...! dint think you people would find me!
    I'm back on old address.

    dagny>letting someone be until she's well enough to talk about it is called understanding.
    reprimanding would only make things worse for the person.

  14. Anjul Sahu Says:

    welcome back...n plz don't hide from now onwards

  15. ira Says:

    Can't promise. I turn fickle when I'm sad!